Anything

 

Introduction


Yes, simply anything, even a little mirth.
 

"A loving heart needs no introduction, and a generous heart is always full."
The poet, author



1.  Love Has:


Kind eyes.
Sympathetic ears.
Encouraging lips.
A respectful nose.
An open mind.
Available shoulders and muscles.
Visiting feet and dialling fingers.
A tender heart.
An honourable back.
Helping hands.
Comforting arms.
Concerned legs.
Flexible joints.
Humble knees.
Mindful tippy toes.
Noble thoughts.
Thoughtful ways.
Deep pockets.
A grateful attitude.
And a people radar.





2.  Some Tips From Other Creatures:

Remember that the world’s your oyster, so have a whale of a time.
Have frequent catnaps in order to avoid getting dog-tired.
Don’t be too chicken to try things.
Grow in wisdom so that you can outfox your foes.
Don’t pussyfoot around when it comes to opportunities or decisions.
Don’t monkey about with anything.
Don’t rat on anyone.
Keep yourself as busy as a beaver.
Take care when it comes to puppy love.
Don’t hog things, nor try to get the lion’s share.
Don’t ram things down people’s throats.
Don’t crow like a rooster, nor preen yourself like a peacock.
Don’t make an ass of yourself.
Don’t just parrot what others say.
Don’t wolf your food down.
Never act beastly.
Don’t badger anyone or get on their goat.
Don't stick your neck out like a giraffe.
Don’t waste time on crocodile tears.
Clam up when it’s none of your business.
Don't go trying to worm your way in.
Don’t get involved in anything fishy.
Don’t go barking up the wrong tree.
Learn when to pull your horns in.
Avoid whining, getting crabby, prickly, or as grizzly as a bear.
And mind lest things come home to roost.





3.  Potent Words:


I love you    I care about you    I missed you    I've been thinking of you    You're often on my mind    It's not the same without you    Here's something for you    I feel for you    I understand    I forgive you    I've forgotten already    That's okay; I don't mind    Yes     We all make mistakes    You were right     It's my fault    I'll take the blame    I'm sorry    Please forgive me    I need you    You mean a lot to me    Thank you    I really appreciate that    I like what you've done    You look great    You'll be fine    Tell me about yourself    What's on your mind?    Would you like to off-load?    I've every confidence in you    I knew you could do it    Well done!    Good on you    I trust you    I believe you    You did your best    I'm sure things will work out    I'm sure you'll get there    I spoke up for you    I checked on your behalf    Don't worry, I'll think of something    Mind if I walk with you?    Can I confide in you?    Can I help?    Would you like a hand?    I'll do it     I'll get it    I'll say it    It's no trouble     Anytime    I don't mind waiting    My pleasure    I'm here if you need me    I won't mention it to anyone    I'd appreciate your thoughts on the matter    I value your input    Let's give them the benefit of the doubt    Give them time    I'm sure they didn't mean it like that    Let's try again tomorrow    Would you like another piece?





4.  May Love Always Be Your:


Window wiper, indicator, steering wheel, gears and accelerator;
Sail, rudder, oars and sexton;
Wings, fuel and engine;
Saddle, reigns and spur;
Siren and stretcher;
Ladder and hose;
Block and tackle;
Soapbox and megaphone;
Skill and daring;
Mop and bucket;
Chequebook and pen;
Beacon and rock;
Compass and map;
Food and water;
Welcome sign and guest towel;
Mast and flag;
Motivation and energy;
Vision and ears;
Catch cry and whistle;
Time and offering;
Point and purpose;
Source and supply;
Page and chapter;
Heart and soul;
Beginning and end;
Gospel and prayer.






5.  A Sure To Please Recipe:


Line a heart shaped container with self-proof matter.
Take copious amounts of love, thoughtfulness and generosity.
Mix together thoroughly and moisten with milk of human kindness.
Add sympathy, tenderness, patience, forgiveness, and a pinch of shortcomings blindness.
Season with unselfishness.
Roll into individual portions.
Sugar-coat with sweetness.
Place in waiting organic container.
Warm via a sunny disposition.
Share straightaway.
Melts in the mouth.
Keeps well.
Caters for one very big family.






6.  Some Ways To Make This World Brighter:


Whistle a tune while you work or stroll.
Smile at every passer-by.
Compliment wherever you can.
Draw attention to anything encouraging or uplifting.
Leave a cheery note or pleasant surprise.
Look for the good in both people and things.
Be a helping hand.
Go the extra mile.
Look in on the lonely and elderly.
Share what will be appreciated.
Pimp your surroundings.
Display affection.
Be friendly to all.
Be charitable to buskers and beggars.
Pen and share a lovely song or poem.
Write a book that’s hope filled.
Be a buddy or mentor.
Be generous with your time and skills.
Arrange 'happy' sharing times.
Play pleasant music.





7.  Some Funny Headlines:

Prison warden hit by cell phone.
Chef found cooking the books.
Robber’s loot stolen.
Rose the florist gives flowery speech.
Taxi driver charged.
Fisherman finally gets hooked.
Doctor finds dismissal bitter pill to swallow.
Surgeon cuts up rough.
Acupuncturist loses his nerve.
Mechanic puts spanner in the works.
Actor caught pretending.
Butcher mercilessly ribbed.
Pianist loses his keys.
Hunter shoots through.
Soldier bites the bullet.
Beekeeper buzzing with excitement.
Drummer becomes new cop on the beat.
Teacher learns hard lesson.
Fireman joins matchmaking club.
Author begins new chapter in his life.
Waiter has a lot on his plate.
Astronaut mars his record.
Retired dentist filling in.
Pilot high on cannabis.
Dental surgery in state of decay.
Clock factory in new hands.
Hardware store nails thief.





8.  Proof That You're In Love:


You’ve got a dazed look on your face.
You’re not listening to sound advice anymore.
Truth’s irrelevant.

You’re on the phone every five minutes.
You’re not watching where you’re going.
You’ve forgotten that you’ve got friends.
You’re defending what you weren’t.
You can’t remember where you’ve left things.
You’re up half the night and then some.
You’re not paying attention.
You’re always asking who rang.
You’re having panic attacks.
You think you’ve found the perfect one.
You’re spending far too much money.
You’ll worry about the cost later.
You’re skipping mealtimes.
You’re avoiding certain questions.
And you’ve got another sore throat.






9.  What I Love About Myself:


No one’s identical to me.
I’m an engineering marvel, a scientific wonder, and a medical mystery.
I have a protective, stretchable, touch-sensitive layer;
A hi-tech electrical network:
An amazing 24/7 circulatory system;
A state-of-the-art radar;
An unsurpassable computer;
A highly tuned listening device;
An automatic mincer and grinder;
Various storage facilities;
A security camera with night vision and zooming mount;
A high-energy speaker with bass, treble, volume and mute controls;
Lifting and shifting gear;
Height adjustment and reclining positions;
GPS capabilities and memory selection;
Personal design features;
A specialized smell detector;
Fight or flight activators;
An impulse button;
Slow, fast, pause, skip, stop, browse, snooze, tippy toe, jump, climb, dance, push and pull functions;
A double grasp, squeeze, play or stroke mechanism;
A temperature control unit;
A human production centre;
A purifying plant;
A tap;
and a biodegradable waste disposal unit that's a source of natural gas.





10.  Regarding People And Food:


It's interesting how,

People can end up in a jam.
Get themselves in a pickle or a stew.
Have a personal beef.
Sometimes act rather fishy.
Not mince their words.
Work for peanuts.
Cake their face.
Milk things.
Curry favour.

Go bananas or nuts.
Act as if they’re crackers.
Butter others up.
Spice things up.
Trifle with things.
Sponge off others.
Have a finger in some pie.
End up with cauliflower ears.
Say something cheesy or corny.
Or say, “Crumbs,” “Chop, chop,” or that they’ve bought a lemon.





11.  Regarding People And Trees:


It's interesting how,

People have log books.
Often branch out.
Sometimes don’t twig.
Take leave of their senses.
Put things in their trunk.
Tell others to bud out.
Bark up the wrong tree.
Sometimes blossom.
Put down roots.
Run rings around others.
Sap someone’s energy.
Or are often stumped.





12.  An Alien's Introduction To Earth:


Avoid noisy, neon descents lest you encourage rubberneckers and tyre kickers.
Mind out for primitive remote controlled look-alikes.
Parking can be limited and expensive, thus country settings preferable.
Remember: Lock it or lose it.
Don protective clothing, and wash hands after returning to flying saucer. A period of quiet rest or mild sedation
may be necessary.

Approach the human species with care.
Contain your mirth.
Attempts to help will prove problematic and your presence will no doubt appear alien to them.
A human disguise will prove helpful.
Mind the litter.
Avoid retaliation.
Various customs may shock, confuse, irritate or amuse.
Do not partake of any human substance designated as food or orally certified lest you incur the following:
1) Slurred speech.
2) Blurred vision.
3) Disorientation and other physical malfunctions such as wind and irregular bowl motions.
4) Mental aberrations and severe irritability.
5) A loss of stability.
Infrared cameras may be necessary where one encounters bouts of smog caused by human invention.
Avoid taking photos that may painfully remind.
Avoid those zones where humans are injuring each other.
Avoid taking samples due to contamination.
Severe electrical interference may occur at any time and volatile man-made weather patterns.





13.  A Prosy Ad:


Surgeon Seeks Wife

People sometimes think I’m a bit sharp, but I guess that’s because I’m at the cutting edge of things and thus tend to needle folk a bit due to pressure. Generally I try not to get under people’s skin, but in my game such is pretty hard to avoid. However, I do have a good sense of humour and often have folk in stitches, they soon nursing their sides. Given that most of my time is spent in theatre, I’d probably be at home on the stage. I’m currently hoping to resuscitate my love life which recently suffered a cardiac arrest due to a nagging condition that eventually ruptured a foo foo valve. I must say that my heart’s in the right place and once again pumping with romantic anticipation. I’d like to sew things up as soon as possible as I’m not getting any younger and my forte isn’t plastic surgery. Am currently monitoring my emails with intensive care midst operations and rounds in order not to bypass any potential permanent arrangement. So please don’t hesitate to contact me as my computer is swabbed daily using sterile gloves and thus is free of viruses and bugs. My meeting with anyone will duly be followed up with a positive or negative prognosis, so to speak. Or something in that vein. I will try to be as flexible as I can and thus a lunchtime meeting shouldn’t result in any trauma.

Yours expectantly,
Guy Scissors





14.  Individual Muses:


I love my little garden, it’s so full of pretty flowers,
And when the sun is shining, I oft work in it for hours.
I have a little visitor who likes to help as well,
But one who keeps digging little holes that I’m forced to fill.


Everyone's gone to the moon, and I’m sitting here on my own feeling a right fool,
And trying to figure out how to work everything (oh, I should’ve stayed at school),
Well, what’s left, I should say, given that everything is in a state of disrepair,
And why I can’t be bothered getting dressed, getting a shower or combing my hair.


I really mustn’t grumble, 'cause although I took a little tumble,
I landed with my face in a delicious, scrumptious apple crumble.
So please pass the cream, 'cause one should always make the best of a bad thing,
Hence why in-between mouthfuls, the merits of puddings I loudly sing.


We’ve visitors to our tree, who come quite regularly,
And gobble at the berries ’till they get fat and heavy.
When they go to fly away, they descend before they rise,
Which just goes to show that overeating is far from wise.


What is a hedgehog doing trotting about during the day,
'Cause hedgehogs usually come out when it’s night time, don’t they?
Lost your watch? Too tired to sleep? Confused? Extra hungry, maybe?
Well, I wouldn’t be long, there’s much more traffic about, you see.


What’s all the noise about, little sparrow? Enough’s enough!
You’ve been waking people up, leaving them grumpy and gruff.
Can’t you tone it down a bit? You are rather loud, you know,
And PLEASE, not in that oak tree that’s right outside our window.


There’s a fly in my soup, it either swimming or stuck,
And it’s still got its dirty old boots on — of all the luck!
It’s not as if it has showered and wiped itself down,
Hence why I'm very unhappy and sporting a frown.





15.  Two Things That Come Under The Heading Of Pleasant: 



A spoken track by Kamahl
.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEkBn83Vsbw

 


A song by Joe Longthorne.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34z3ljabByI