A Tale
My heart was thumping loudly, beads of sweat dotted my brow,
But I knew I had to do it, and the right time was now.
I stood and surveyed the house ’till the evening shadows fell,
Then made my way towards it, dread and fear trying to quell.
Eyes scanning, ears on alert, I approached an old rear door.
I inserted a key, turned the door knob some, then some more.
Heart racing, breathing laboured, I entered a corridor,
Which I slowly tiptoed down, lest creaks be heard from the floor.
The house was deathly silent, just shadows filling each room,
Or at least it seemed that way, 'cause such I could not presume.
I crept up the staircase, uneasy, on edge, my nerves taut,
And as I reached the landing, something moved that my eyes caught.
I stood frozen to the spot, nerves screaming, my hair on end,
So wanting to turn and run — yes, the stairs quickly descend.
"My mind’s playing tricks," I thought, for I’d been told, “No one’s there,”
Thus, I had to get a grip, get on with it, face my fear.
I began to move, slowly, inch by inch, legs like jelly,
Trying to convince myself I was just being silly.
It was probably nothing, just my imagination,
A rustling tree ’gainst moonlight, my lack of concentration.
Yes, just two more rooms to search, and then I’d be on my way.
One of them held the answer, a desk, a drawer, a dossier.
But that movement still bothered as I drew near the first room,
And with nerves at breaking point, leaned forward, and scanned the gloom.
Emptiness returned my stare. “It’s the other room,” I thought,
So, towards that room I turned, as feelings of fear I fought.
Once again, I slowly inched my way, barely daring to blink,
When suddenly, out of nowhere…..Oh, no! I’ve run out of ink!
By Lance Landall
2. Laugh Out Loud
I’ve never seen a bumble bee wearing a helmet, nor goggles,And as for hedgehogs wearing pantyhose, such my mind boggles.
Imagine a rhinoceros wearing lacy pink pyjamas,
Or even worse to contemplate, the odd sight of diapered lamas.
Say,
What about a brawny elephant in a shiny sequined dress?
Well, that it would be stretching things, I have no choice but to confess.
However, things could get worse, you know, so I'll quit while I’m ahead,
Lest I see a chimpanzee knitting jumpers while lying in bed.
By Lance Landall
This poem was upgraded 1 March 2020.
3. Flies
Could someone please tell me what’s the purpose of a fly,And why they won’t stop walking all over my apple pie,
Or anything else on my table that I’m about to eat,
Infecting it all with their grubby little hairy feet?
Though I wave my hands about, they insist on returning,
So, I reach for the fly swat, but do you think they’re learning?
No! Back they come again, fly after fly, zeroing in,
Seemingly unmoved by my crazed attempts to discipline.
Often they wait out of reach until I’ve sat down to eat,
And then, down they swoop, thereby making me vacate my seat.
After all, my arms aren’t that long, of which they seem aware,
Hence why they go for the yummy food that’s not quite so near.
They seem to come from nowhere, more so when you’re eating food,
Or when you’ve put the swat away — talk about attitude!
It seems that they’ve got us sorted, and hence why I agonize,
For just when you think you’re fly free, it’s a case of, “SURPRISE!”
By Lance Landall
4. Fleas
A flea may be very tiny, but oh dear, what trouble it can stirOnce underneath your clothing, or hidden within pussycat’s fur.
Hence all that furious scratching after they have triggered off itches,
That has one looking odd — and observers, doubled up and in stitches.
Yes, they’re little rascals, adept at causing much bother, misery,
And especially so where there’s not just one of them, but two or three.
They appear to roam in numbers, and, I might add, very silently,
Hence how they go unnoticed ’til, “Oh no, I’ve been bitten by a flea!”
Sometimes they appear in one’s bed — the cheek of it! — and there goes your sleep,
For how can one snooze when into your pajamas they stealthily creep?
Hence the wriggling and jiggling, the disordering of blankets and sheets,
All thanks to some itchy little bite that a good nights sleep defeats.
Why don’t they find a sandpit, and leave us and our pussycat alone?
And why are they crashing at our pad? Can’t they read the sign? Flea Free Zone.
Yes, they’re troublesome little rascals, and very difficult to see,
For once they’ve taken a bite of you, they seem to very quickly flee.
By Lance Landall
5. Dear Aunty May
My dear Aunty May, we’re having a wonderful holiday,We’ve not had a drop of rain, nor heard thunder-claps since yesterday.
We’re never short of fresh water — in fact, it’s up to our knees,
And we’re not being battered by wind, as it’s now dropped to a breeze.
Our food supply seems endless, it just keeps going around,
Probably due to the water circling knee-high off the ground.
We’ve clambered up a hill-side, found a rustic little hut,
That from a scenic viewpoint, miraculously seems to jut.
We’re itching with excitement, though that’s more to do with fleas,
And the air’s so refreshing in-between each hearty sneeze.
We’re sleeping beneath the stars as the roof has bid farewell,
And our thin summer blankets are helping keep out the chill.
Our car is nice and handy, we can just make out its roof,
The seats we’ve just had treated, we’re so glad they’re waterproof.
Our tents safely in the boot, though we’d rather have it here,
As someone else has joined us...oh, actually...it’s a bear!
I’m off back down the hill now, though sliding’s a better word,
And judging by the noises — the family, last I heard.
We’re seeing sides of nature that we’ve never seen before,
But a hill-side, on my backside, is a line that I must draw.
It’s a shame you can’t be here, for we’re having so much fun,
I warned you you’d be sorry, but a fine excuse you spun.
We’ll let you see the photos once our camera’s retrieved,
For unless those shots are seen, all our fun won’t be believed.
Oh, we may be a little late, as I wish to groom the car,
It’s smelling a little stale, I guess that’s the reservoir.
We’ll probably need a bath, and will want to head to bed,
So, don’t stay up, aunty May, we’re adventurers born and bred.
By Lance Landall
6. Go Away!
Go away rain! I’ve had enough. It’s really depressing.It’s not as though I’m tucked up inside convalescing.
I want to get out, get things done, go for a walk somewhere,
Not just waste all my time cooped up inside, slumped in a chair.
Yes, go away rain, and take all those sulky clouds with you,
They’ve been hanging about like they’ve nothing better to do.
They’re so dull and boring, and are covering up the sky,
So why don’t you both disappear, clear off, go on, shoo, fly.
You’re not listening, are you, determined to have your way,
Both of you, shedding your moisture, making everything grey.
Can’t you go somewhere else? There is plenty of world, you know.
You’ve no need to remain here, you’re just making me feel low.
Can’t you see everything’s green? Go find a desert or two.
You’re just flooding my garden, and muddying things up too.
Give me sunshine any day, I’d rather have warmth than cold.
That’s right, bucket down! I might have known that you can’t be told.
By Lance Landall
7. Showoffs
I’m looking out my window at a clever little birdWho’s perched upon a cable, and weather-wise, isn’t deterred.
Although the cable’s swinging, he’s still sitting there singing,
Thereby, amusement and pleasure this intrigued poet bringing.
Yes, there he perches or clings with the odd flutter of wings,
And midst his bouts of chirping, joyfully back and forth swings.
He hasn’t a fear of heights, so he’s completely at ease,
A chatty little showoff who has mastered the trapeze.
Sometimes I’ve seen him flirting with a little lady friend,
Who sooner or later, time nesting will probably spend.
And then there’ll be more chirping, more antics that’ll catch my eye,
As back and forth, up and down, more clever little showoffs fly.
He visits with his buddies seeking juicy worms to chew,
Who should they pop their head up, get a close up bird’s eye view.
Sometimes it’s like a party, given the numbers that I see
Poking their beaks in the lawn in search of something wriggly.
But all in all, it’s nice to have a pleasant diversion,
Particularly midst one’s poetical immersion.
Yes, a break from serious concentration, albeit brief,
Via little feathered showoffs providing some light relief.
By Lance Landall
8. Woosh!
Oh, you’re so mischievous, Maestro Wind, you really are, you create quite a stir,
And there are times when you take things too far, get carried away, unkindly err.
It’s one thing to tug at the washing and tangle it up, or to loosen the pegs,
But quite another to yank clothes right off, and to strengthen when, “No!” somebody begs.
You get terribly boisterous at times, we’d rather you settle down, be a breeze,
We’d rather see you waltzing pretty little flowers or slender branches in trees.
Yes, we don’t mind you rustling the leaves, rippling the grass, even swaying power lines,
But please, do we have to put up with all that moaning, and those irritating whines?
Quite frankly, you’re a tease, can’t seem to help yourself, I guess it comes naturally,
But hey, not when we’re having a picnic, it’s bad enough fending off flies, a bee.
And say, couldn’t you give us warning, not suddenly appear, or turn blustery?
And there’s no need to toss things about, that’s dangerous, acting unreasonably.
Yes, Maestro Wind, it’s about time you acted more moderately, less impishly,
Though it wouldn’t be so bad if it were just occasionally, infrequently.
But dear oh dear, you’re often bothering us, and as for those gales, they’re most unfair,
And so too, I must add, those annoying cuffs when I’ve combed and lacquered my hair.
By Lance Landall
9. Down Below
I say, little worm, what’s all these holes in my lawn? Are they yours?
Are you responsible? If so, you must have amazing jaws.
And given the amount, you’ve clearly been very, very busy,
Or could it be that you happen to have a large family?
You’re such a wriggly, squiggly thing, slimy too, actually,
And so devoid of features, which doesn’t help with poetry.
I hope you have a helmet, because I have to mow the grass,
And over the top of those holes will be making a low pass.
I’d watch out for those starlings too, lest they grab you with their beak,
For they often visit me, and wriggly little fat worms seek.
I guess they need their dinner, but I wouldn’t rush to their aid,
So keep your helmet on, and your head down, and act unafraid.
Pardon? Worms are good for one’s lawn? Then I’d hate to see you go,
Though it’s rare for me to see you, given you’re mostly down below.
It’s simply all those holes I’m seeing, and squiggly little mounds,
Yes, that underground activity that intrigues and confounds.
By Lance Landall
10. It's Been A Hard Night's Day
It’s been a hard night’s day — yes, hardly slept a wink! — and it’s a long way to go till midnight,
So here I am, too tired to do a thing, feeling like I’ve been through the wringer, not too bright.
Yes, it’s been a hard night’s day — well, so far anyway, and things really aren’t looking too good,
For despite being too tired to do anything, I can’t seem to doze off like I wish I could.
There are things I need to do, but I just can’t be bothered, so now I’m feeling really bored,
Which is hardly a nice combination — I slumped in a chair, couldn’t move if a lion roared.
Well, seemingly, that is, too tired to even scratch my chin, and probably too tired to grin,
And were folk to look through the window, they’d possibly think that they’d spotted a mannequin.
It’s no good me counting sheep, and besides, I’d lose count if I fell asleep, but doze I can’t,
And if I did, would I fall out of my chair, not that such would do much to the rubber plant.
And then I’d wake up, perhaps with that pot plant on my head, and it still far too early for bed,
Me having fallen on the remote control, my tummy surfing all the channels instead.
Yes, it’s been a hard night’s day — well, if you get what I mean, how many more hours to go?
And I could well end up going through it all again once my poor old head hits the pillow.
Oh dear, oh dear, the last thing that I’m wanting after a hard night’s day is a hard day’s night,
And were I to go through another sleepless night, it wouldn’t be a very pretty sight!
By Lance Landall.
11. Botheration
It seems when summer appears, and the door’s wide open, that blowflies think they’re being invited inside,
So in those blowflies come, as if on cue, when the truth of the matter is, they’re all meant to stay outside.
And once in, its seems they can’t remember where they came in, buzzing from room to room, agitatedly,
And should you be sitting quietly reading, they buzz you like kamikaze pilots, mercilessly.
Given such strong provocation, frustration inevitably sees you swinging your arms here and there,
A cushion in your hand, perhaps — anything! — they having succeeded in getting you out of your chair.
Yes, swipes to the left and right, all seemingly to no avail, though should you deliver a fatal blow,
In comes another after you’ve settled back into your chair, because somehow these blowflies seem to know.
Maybe its body odour — I just don’t know — but for some reason they keep coming back to where you are,
And this, despite you conveying via your frantic movements that you’re not saying welcome but au revoir.
I guess they can’t read sign language, nor understand modified English, not that one should curse, lose their cool,
'Cause unintelligible words and bizarre body movements tend to suggest one’s plain drunk or a fool.
Well, it could be worse, 'cause though they are indeed a bother, they’re hardly the same threat as a bumble bee,
Which, when it comes to open doors in summer (though not quite as much), has the very same mentality,
And some sort of directional flaw too, or is it that they just don't like using the same open door,
That door that they came through without so much as wiping their feet, another thing one can hardly ignore!
By Lance Landall
This poem was upgraded 11 February 2020.
The continuing saga...
12. The Blowfly
The blowfly — oh, how it pesters, and I don’t know why, when I’m sitting reading or writing quietly,
Yes, minding my own business, a hot drink awaiting my slurping, and it buzzing 'round me insanely.
Oh, how it races 'round the room in maniacal fashion, no rhythm or rhyme to its manoeuvres,
And so inconveniently, rather than when I’m up and can do something, like when one hoovers.
Why they buzz 'round the room in such a fashion beats me, and who knows where blowflies get all that energy,
Oh, if only I could harness such, though I’m sure I’d wear myself out, like I do flailing maddeningly.
But oft to no avail, they too fast for my cushion (please don’t tell the wife), or whatever else I grab,
Which I guess provides some exercise (looking on the bright side), and helps me shed any unwanted flab.
Now, I’m not a violent man, lest such horrify, but there’s naught more annoying than a fat blowfly,
One that refuses to settle to my advantage, but rather, causes frustration to intensify,
'Cause until it's bid farewell (one way or another), there’s no returning to one’s former peace and rest,
Thanks to the entrance of what can only be described as an infuriating maniacal guest!
Did I say guest?
Yes, the blowfly, a troublesome botheration, which has given rise to poetic inspiration,
'Cause one must express these things lest an inner boiling pot overflow, or one seek some medication.
But I’m not pleased I’m reduced to penning such poems, 'cause what blowfly has the right to torture me so,
Simply because on sunny days I choose to leave the door open, or a certain desired window?
By Lance Landall
This poem was upgraded 11 February 2020.
13. Could I Have Breakfast In Bed, Please?
Could I have breakfast in bed, please? 'Cause I just don’t feel like getting up today,
My bed’s so warm and the day too cold, and it’s going to rain and hail they say.
Yes, I can’t face the trauma of getting up, nor those chores I haven’t done yet,
Which, will only make me even more tired, and it is my birthday, don’t forget.
So please, could I have breakfast in bed today? And yes, a magazine or two,
And oh, a nice comfy pillow would also help, not to mention some menu.
Sorry, I don’t mean to cause any bother, but could you make my bed as well,
For when I arise I'd better take things easy lest anything make me ill.
Yes, I can feel a draught already, could do with that heater on, and near me,
For half of me will be sitting up, and I’ve summer pyjamas on, you see.
And I wouldn’t mind my dressing gown on — oh sorry, I forgot to unpack,
And say, if mother nature calls, would there be any chance of a piggyback?
By Lance Landall
14. Computers — Ahhhhh!
It seems like there’s a little man whose intentions are not that clear,
But who I am very certain revels in being most unfair.
He hides inside my computer and constantly interferes,
Which is why it often crashes, or a warning sign appears.
I would catch him if I could, but he is far too smart for me,
'Cause he’s computer literate, knows it back to front, you see.
His timing’s just appalling, and his impishness knows no end,
Hence why he's blocking some emails, and some refusing to send.
Sometimes things will just disappear, even never to return,
And as for those viruses, they are the least of his concern.
It’s aggravating, exasperating, and it’s escalating,
And I fear that my patience is quickly evaporating.
It seems he hides amongst the chips, playing with the CPU,
Thereby making my computer freeze, randomly go slow too.
I’m sure that my graphics card, my motherboard and memory,
Are sadly falling victim to his cruel roguish energy.
Yes, I can just imagine that he's giggling away with glee,
Beholding my expressions and my disappearing dignity.
Yes, I can just imagine that he is doubled up with mirth,
Every time that something goes wrong, and I exclaim, “What on earth!”
By Lance Landall
15. While I'm Asleep In Bed
You know, it’s almost as if I say, “Here, mind my brain while I’m asleep in bed,”
And that whoever does so, does his or her own thing with my poor tired old head.
Hence those dreams that they put together, and sometimes very mischievously,
They clearly drawing on the old archives where fodder beckons them temptingly.
Yes, they certainly enjoy raiding the vaults, and often replay this or that,
And then there’s those ghastly nightmares, my sudden awakening scaring the cat.
But whatever their arty concoctions, they’re very clever to say the least,
Though such probably aided by that close to bedtime snack that becomes a feast.
Well, there isn’t a lot I can do, for once asleep they’ve the run of the place,
Hence those smiles, grins, frowns, or anxious looks that come over my buried snoozing face.
But how they do what they do truly baffles me, those dreams being so real to me,
As if I had filmed every one, and placed them in my head conveniently.
By Lance Landall
16. The World's A Dangerous Place
Yes, the world’s a dangerous place — well, I mean to say, look at Humpty Dumpty,
And not a happy ending, I must say, and who’s to blame, the brick wall or he?
And then there was Jack and Jill, who, to be honest, shouldn’t have gone up the hill,
For Jack fell down, broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after — oh, if looks could kill.
And surely you remember little Bo Peep, who (no doubt very sheepishly),
Returned without her sheep, and who knows what happened to them — rustlers, possibly.
Should’ve had her mind on the job, some would say, but hey, it’s dangerous out there,
For look at little Miss Muffet, she didn’t know that a spider would appear!
Okay, so little Bo Peep did get her sheep back, but how, isn't exactly clear.
By Lance Landall
17. What Can One Say About A Daughter?
Yes, what can one say about a daughter? 'Cause girls aren’t the same as boys, oh no,
But very, very different, which any parent who has had both will know.
And the older they get, the more this fact proves true, all why I’m scratching my head,
And being cautious, for its been said, “Men are apt to go where angels fear to tread.”
Therefore, I’d better play it safe, like one does when entering a daughter’s room,
Though let me state that I’m not trying to discourage any prospective groom.
But if it’s not stray high heel shoes lying in wait, it’s that nose tickling perfume,
And certain things that are best kept out of sight, of which I’ll leave you to presume.
I guess you realise I’m jesting somewhat, for a daughter’s really quite something,
So long as you don’t mind waiting for her to get off the phone when there’s a ring.
Oh dear, how daughters love to chat, and chat, and when it comes to having a shower,
Well, if it weren’t for parental intervention, what might it be, half an hour?
Okay, perhaps I’m stretching things a little, but all to give you some idea,
For if a married man, and there’s a power cut, a daughter might soon appear.
And then you’ll see what I mean, you possibly having to wash and groom her car,
And as for all that water over the bathroom floor — well, one hardly says “Ta.”
And hence my question: What can one say about a daughter-cum-that birthday girl?
Who, should a poor father be lucky enough, might marry some notable earl.
But hey, so long as she’s happily married, though a dowry would be quite nice,
And he left to deal with those things I’ve mentioned, and perhaps spiders, moths and mice.
Yes, I no longer having to knock on the bathroom door, nor mop the wet floor,
Or wash that mud splattered object that soon reveals a car that one’s seen before.
And as for that room — well, there’d no longer be need for caution, and finally,
One would be able to see to vacuum, and those dusty shelves soon wouldn’t be!
By Lance Landall
18. Um….aah….
Are there ants in your jam jar, are there hippos in your bath,
Some bees in your honey pot, fat slugs all over your path?
Are there bats in your attic, giraffes in your corridors,
Jaguars in your garage, other carnivores outdoors?
Are jellyfish in your sinks, are there penguins in your fridge,
Is an elephant or two hiding ’midst your foliage?
Are there hares in your bathroom, chimps hanging from chandeliers,
Some love-birds in your bedroom, even hibernating bears?
Are there yaks in your guest room, timber wolves on your woodpile,
Swallows in your pantry, butterflies, magpies, a mouse with a smile?
Are there cats on top of doors, snakes sliding around the floors,
And hairy creepy crawlies hiding in cupboards or drawers?
Are there toads on your doorstep, wide-eyed owls in your study,
Mutton birds in your kitchen, some storks in your nursery?
Are crocodiles in your pool, baboons on your patio,
Cockatoos on your rooftop noisily shrieking, “Oh no!?”
There Are??!!!
What’s that?
Will I be visiting you?
Um….aah….
By Lance Landall
19. Bertie
My name’s Bertie, I’m a germ, and I love mouths that aren’t clean,
Yes, those unhygienic caves where a toothbrush hasn’t been.
How I love that gunk that clings to toothy pegs after meals,
And that slowly makes those holes that a dentist prods and seals.
Yes — down with toothbrushes! — I say, for whatever would I do
If everyone brushed their teeth and gums and their big tongue too?
I'd soon be out of work with those teeth so shiny and clean,
And far more quickly so where people used floss and Listerine.
By Lance Landall
20 Tomfoolery?
I’m thinking poetry, the rhyming kind, actually,
A poem where the end of each line has a sound like a C.
Or half way through a line, maybe, acting more cleverly,
And perhaps more persuasively, consequently, you see.
Tomfoolery, you say? Well, it might be, actually,
But why not a teeny bit of fun occasionally?
Like amusing poetry that’ll set the endorphins free,
Especially where someone’s feeling rather crotchety.
Such may not be scholarly, but is that necessary?
After all, it’s just a bit of fun, creativity.
Yes, it’s acting somewhat frivolously, admittedly,
But I wouldn’t exactly say it’s acting pointlessly.
Didn’t I notice a smile? There then. It’s working already,
Your lips aren’t upside down now, and a dimple I can see.
Next you’ll be laughing, and I dare say, shaking bodily,
Because of those chemicals tickling your anatomy.
So it’s just tomfoolery, huh? I don’t think so, Smiley.
Look at you. Go on, get a mirror. You’ve changed facially.
It’s like there’s a banana in your mouth, you look cheesy,
So who’s the funny one now? That’s right, blame my poetry!
By Lance Landall