Anything

 

Introduction


Yes, simply anything, and a lot of mirth (and I the guilty one).
 

"A loving heart needs no introduction, and a generous heart is always full."
The poet, author


1.  Love Has:


Kind eyes.
Sympathetic ears.
Encouraging lips.
A respectful nose.
An open mind.
Available shoulders and muscles.
Visiting feet and dialling fingers.
A tender heart.
An honourable back.
Helping hands.
Comforting arms.
Concerned legs.
Flexible joints.
Humble knees.
Mindful tippy toes.
Noble thoughts.
Thoughtful ways.
Deep pockets.
A grateful attitude.
And a people radar.





2.  Some Tips From Other Creatures:

Remember that the world’s your oyster, so have a whale of a time.
Have frequent catnaps in order to avoid getting dog-tired.
Don’t be too chicken to try things.
Grow in wisdom so that you can outfox your foes.
Don’t pussyfoot around when it comes to opportunities or decisions.
Don’t monkey around with anything.
Don’t rat on anyone.
Keep yourself as busy as a beaver.
Take care when it comes to puppy love.
Don’t hog things, nor try to get the lion’s share.
Don’t ram things down people’s throats.
Don’t crow like a rooster, nor preen yourself like a peacock.
Don’t make an ass of yourself.
Don’t just parrot what others say.
Don’t wolf your food down.
Never act beastly.
Don’t badger anyone or get on their goat.
Don't stick your neck out like a giraffe.
Don’t waste time on crocodile tears.
Clam up when it’s none of your business.
Don't go trying to worm your way in.
Don’t get involved in anything fishy.
Don’t go barking up the wrong tree.
Learn when to pull your horns in.
Avoid whining, getting crabby, prickly, or as grizzly as a bear.
And mind lest things come home to roost.





3.  Potent Words:


I love you    I care about you    I missed you    I've been thinking of you    You're often on my mind    It's not the same without you    Here's something for you    I feel for you    I understand    I forgive you    I've forgotten already    That's okay; I don't mind    Yes     We all make mistakes    You were right     It's my fault    I'll take the blame    I'm sorry    Please forgive me    I need you    You mean a lot to me    Thank you    I really appreciate that    I like what you've done    You look great    You'll be fine    Tell me about yourself    What's on your mind?    Would you like to off-load?    I've every confidence in you    I knew you could do it    Well done!    Good on you    I trust you    I believe you    You did your best    I'm sure things will work out    I'm sure you'll get there    I spoke up for you    I checked on your behalf    Don't worry, I'll think of something    Mind if I walk with you?    Can I confide in you?    Can I help?    Would you like a hand?    I'll do it     I'll get it    I'll say it    It's no trouble     Anytime    I don't mind waiting    My pleasure    I'm here if you need me    I won't mention it to anyone    I'd appreciate your thoughts on the matter    I value your input    Let's give them the benefit of the doubt    Give them time    I'm sure they didn't mean it like that    Let's try again tomorrow    Would you like another piece?





4.  May Love Always Be Your:


Window wiper, indicator, steering wheel, gears and accelerator;
Sail, rudder, oars and sexton;
Wings, fuel and engine;
Saddle, reigns and spur;
Siren and stretcher;
Ladder and hose;
Block and tackle;
Soapbox and megaphone;
Skill and daring;
Mop and bucket;
Chequebook and pen;
Beacon and rock;
Compass and map;
Food and water;
Welcome sign and guest towel;
Mast and flag;
Motivation and energy;
Vision and ears;
Catch cry and whistle;
Time and offering;
Point and purpose;
Source and supply;
Page and chapter;
Heart and soul;
Beginning and end;
Gospel and prayer.






5.  A Sure To Please Recipe:


Line a heart shaped container with self-proof matter.
Take copious amounts of love, thoughtfulness and generosity.
Mix together thoroughly and moisten with milk of human kindness.
Add sympathy, tenderness, patience, forgiveness, and a pinch of shortcomings blindness.
Season with unselfishness.
Roll into individual portions.
Sugar-coat with sweetness.
Place in waiting organic container.
Warm via a sunny disposition.
Share straightaway.
Melts in the mouth.
Keeps well.
Caters for one very big family.





6.  Some Ways To Make This World Brighter:


Whistle a tune while you work or stroll.
Smile at every passer-by.
Compliment wherever you can.
Draw attention to anything encouraging or uplifting.
Leave a cheery note or pleasant surprise.
Look for the good in both people and things.
Be a helping hand.
Go the extra mile.
Look in on the lonely and elderly.
Share what will be appreciated.
Pimp your surroundings.
Display affection.
Be friendly to all.
Be charitable to buskers and beggars.
Pen and share a lovely song or poem.
Write a book that’s hope filled.
Be a buddy or mentor.
Be generous with your time and skills.
Arrange 'happy' sharing times.
Play pleasant music.






7.  What Many Things Remind Me Of:


A star reminds me that you and I were meant to shine brightly too.
The moon reminds me that everything has its place.
The sun reminds me that we also should radiate warmth.
The weather reminds me of the gamut of human emotions.
A tree reminds me that we grow as we go, branching out and bearing fruit in due course.
A hedge reminds me of parental protection.
A flower reminds me that there’s still beauty in this wounded and troubled world.
A river reminds me of the tears of all who’ve suffered throughout history.
A blossom reminds me that people should be given a chance.
A book reminds me that everyone’s life is an unfinished story.
A musical instrument reminds me that we should always be in tune with what’s right and good.
A spanner reminds me that we should be tight with criticism and loose with compliments.
A lawnmower reminds me that we shouldn’t let the grass grow under our feet.
A shovel reminds me of how generous we should be to others.
A baseball bat reminds me of what we should do with negative thoughts.
A dung beetle reminds me that there are always unpleasant tasks that have to be done.
A monkey reminds me of the value of a good sense of humour.
An owl reminds me of the value of wisdom.
A giraffe reminds me that when it comes to opportunities and possibilities, we should stretch ourselves.
A cat reminds me that we should have a healthy curiosity.
A cheetah reminds me that we should be quick to forgive.
A turtle reminds me that we should be slow to judge.
A crocodile reminds me that there are always those that one should keep well clear of.
A parrot reminds me of the meanness of gossip.
A caterpillar reminds me that we need to be flexible.
A hen reminds me that things can come home to roost.
A meerkat reminds me that we should look out for each other.
A cow reminds me that we should mind that herd mentality.
An eagle reminds me that we were meant to soar too.
A lion reminds me that there are times when we need to be courageous.
An ant reminds me that we’re capable of more than we may think we are.
A squirrel reminds me that we should always prepare for leaner times.
An ostrich reminds me that we should never bury our head in the sand.
A gorilla reminds me that there will always be bullies.
A shark reminds me that there are those that one can’t always trust.
A fly reminds me that we shouldn’t bug anyone.
And a camel reminds me not to be caught short.






8.  Some Funny Headlines:

Prison warden hit by cell phone.
Chef found cooking the books.
Robber’s loot stolen.
Rose the florist gives flowery speech.
Taxi driver charged.
Fisherman finally gets hooked.
Doctor finds dismissal bitter pill to swallow.
Surgeon cuts up rough.
Acupuncturist loses his nerve.
Mechanic puts spanner in the works.
Actor caught pretending.
Butcher mercilessly ribbed.
Pianist loses his keys.
Hunter shoots through.
Soldier bites the bullet.
Beekeeper buzzing with excitement.
Drummer becomes new cop on the beat.
Teacher learns hard lesson.
Fireman joins matchmaking club.
Author begins new chapter in his life.
Waiter has a lot on his plate.
Astronaut mars his record.
Retired dentist filling in.
Pilot high on cannabis.
Dental surgery in state of decay.
Clock factory in new hands.
Hardware store nails thief.





9.  Proof That You're In Love:


You’ve got a dazed look on your face.
You’re not listening to sound advice anymore.
Truth’s irrelevant.

You’re on the phone every five minutes.
You’re not watching where you’re going.
You’ve forgotten that you’ve got friends.
You’re defending what you weren’t.
You can’t remember where you’ve left things.
You’re up half the night and then some.
You’re not paying attention.
You’re always asking who rang.
You’re having panic attacks.
You think you’ve found the perfect one.
You’re spending far too much money.
You’ll worry about the cost later.
You’re skipping mealtimes.
You’re avoiding certain questions.
And you’ve got another sore throat.






10.  What I Love About Myself:


No one’s identical to me.
I’m an engineering marvel, a scientific wonder, and a medical mystery.
I have a protective, stretchable, touch-sensitive layer;
A hi-tech electrical network:
An amazing 24/7 circulatory system;
A state-of-the-art radar;
An unsurpassable computer;
A highly tuned listening device;
An automatic mincer and grinder;
Various storage facilities;
A security camera with night vision and zooming mount;
A high-energy speaker with bass, treble, volume and mute controls;
Lifting and shifting gear;
Height adjustment and reclining positions;
GPS capabilities and memory selection;
Personal design features;
A specialized smell detector;
Fight or flight activators;
An impulse button;
Slow, fast, pause, skip, stop, browse, snooze, tippy toe, jump, climb, dance, push and pull functions;
A double grasp, squeeze, play or stroke mechanism;
A temperature control unit;
A human production centre;
A purifying plant;
A tap;
and a biodegradable waste disposal unit that's a source of natural gas.





11.  Regarding People And Food:


It's interesting how,

People can end up in a jam.
Get themselves in a pickle or a stew.
Have a personal beef.
Sometimes act rather fishy.
Not mince their words.
Work for peanuts.
Cake their face.
Milk things.
Curry favour.

Go bananas or nuts.
Act as if they’re crackers.
Butter others up.
Spice things up.
Trifle with things.
Sponge off others.
Have a finger in some pie.
End up with cauliflower ears.
Say something cheesy or corny.
Or say, “Crumbs,” “Chop, chop,” or that they’ve bought a lemon.





12.  Regarding People And Trees:


It's interesting how,

People have log books.
Often branch out.
Sometimes don’t twig.
Take leave of their senses.
Put things in their trunk.
Tell others to bud out.
Bark up the wrong tree.
Sometimes blossom.
Put down roots.
Run rings around others.
Sap someone’s energy.
Or are often stumped.





13.  An Alien's Introduction To Earth:


Avoid noisy, neon descents lest you encourage rubberneckers and tyre kickers.
Mind out for primitive remote controlled look-alikes.
Parking can be limited and expensive, thus country settings preferable.
Remember: Lock it or lose it.
Don protective clothing, and wash hands after returning to flying saucer. A period of quiet rest or mild sedation
may be necessary.

Approach the human species with care.
Contain your mirth.
Attempts to help will prove problematic and your presence will no doubt appear alien to them.
A human disguise will prove helpful.
Mind the litter.
Avoid retaliation.
Various customs may shock, confuse, irritate or amuse.
Do not partake of any human substance designated as food or orally certified lest you incur the following:
1) Slurred speech.
2) Blurred vision.
3) Disorientation and other physical malfunctions such as wind and irregular bowl motions.
4) Mental aberrations and severe irritability.
5) A loss of stability.
Infrared cameras may be necessary where one encounters bouts of smog caused by human invention.
Avoid taking photos that may painfully remind.
Avoid those zones where humans are injuring each other.
Avoid taking samples due to contamination.
Severe electrical interference may occur at any time and volatile man-made weather patterns.





14.  Given The Love Affair That So Many Have With Music,
It's No Wonder That People:


Blow their own trumpet;
Beat about the bush;
Fiddle around;
Drum up business;
Pluck up courage;
Jazz things up;
Change their tune;
Waltz in and out;
Get into a rhythm;
Whistle in the dark;
String others along;
Even the score;
Tip the scales;
Sell something for a song;
Jump on the bandwagon;
Are instrumental in orchestrating things;
And strike a cord or ring a bell.





15.  Ridiculous Questions:


Do birds have a Twitter account?
Are criminals on Facebook?
Are magicians conversant with Instagram?
Is Spotify like measles?
Is Snapchat a heated conversation?
Is TikTok a clock manufacturer?
Why don’t bathtubs come with headrests?
Why are pushbikes ridden?
Isn't a stab in the dark dangerous?
Is a mouth organ one's tongue?
Are meerkats simply that?
Are frogs a jumpy lot?
Don’t rabbits have TV?
Are guinea pigs old currency?
Do hippies where hipsters?
Do bats simply wing it?
How come a black heart’s still red?
How come the last straw has many lives?
How come badgers don’t badger?
Is that what a dog thinks of lampposts?
How come psychics don’t win lotto?
Is a catfish asking for it?
Are fireflies too hot to handle?
Do barn owls dislike the cold?
Are bagpipes an instrument of torture?
Are parrots the first tape recorders?
Are cartoons not for truck drivers?
Is a planet one’s weekly schedule?
Is a spaceship an empty boat?
Is a gearbox a mechanics treasure chest?
Do wisdom teeth chew things over?
Is a shot pot the result of a potshot?
Is spook Scotish for spoke?
Are automatic doors switched on?
Is a fountain pen waterproof?





16.  What Do You Call Geriatrics...


Who’re always positive? Cheeryatrics
Who’re hopeless romantics? Tearyatrics
Who’re always changing their mind? Contraryatrics
Who’re very lightweight? Fairyatrics
Who like a little too much of the hard stuff? Merryatrics
Who stay up way too late? Blearyatrics
Who’ve been the victim of con artists? Waryatrics
Who’re into conspiracies? Theoryatrics.
Who lose their temper? Scaryatrics
Who’re ex-farmers? Dairyatrics
Who’re always chirpy? Canaryatrics
Who have fanciful ideas? Airy-fairyatrics
Who’re terrible hoarders? Buryatrics
Who’re very boring? Drearyatrics.
Who’re well advanced in age? Veryatrics
Who’re always feeling tired? Wearyatrics
Who love fruit smoothies? Berryatrics
Who're risky drivers? Hairyatrics






17.  What Do You Call A Psychologist...


Who works for the CIA? A spychologist
Who’s not so confident around people? A shychologist
Who’s into drugs? A highchologist
Who’s from Bangkok? A Thaichologist
Who’s attracted to both sexes? A bichologist
Who’s an ex-alcoholic? A drychologist
Who travels internationally? A flychologist
Who’s a male? A guychologist
Whose questions get too personal? A prychologist
Who gets easily bored? A sighchologist
Who’s seeks the truth? A liechologist
Who’s on the internet? A wi-fi-chologist
Who’s really into his music? A hi-fi-chologist
Who’s really into rugby? A trychologist
Who’s your own psychologist? Mychologist
Who gets very emotional? A crychologist
Who's very friendly? A hichologist
Who one can't trust? A slychologist





18.  What Do You Call A Zoologist...


Who makes his own beer? A brewologist
Who often gets down to it? A blueologist
Who’s fresh out of university? A newologist
Who loves playing pool? A cueologist
Who’s very detective-like? A clueologist
Who has a particular interest in cows? A moologist
Who has a particular interest in sheep? A eweologist
Who studies the mating habits of creatures? A woologist
Who studies the eating habits of creatures? A chewologist
Who’s into witchcraft? A voodoologist
Who likes scaring people? A boologist
Who’s interested in your thoughts regarding creatures? A youologist
Who’s interested in how creatures see things? A viewologist





19.  How To Find Out Who You Are If You've Forgotten:


Look in the mirror.
Wait until someone calls your name.
Ring someone and say, "Guess who?"
Don't pay your bills.
Go missing.
Check your letter box.
Look for clues like old habits, old school books or name tags.
Wait until Christmas or your birthday comes around.
Ask someone if they remember you.
Always keep a vase of for-get-me-nots handy,
Or an elephant.





20.  Tips From The World Of Music:


Don’t play games.
Don’t string people along.
Don’t blow your own trumpet.
Don’t treble your troubles.
Don’t fiddle with what you shouldn’t.
Don’t go getting caught up in soap operas.
Don't major on minors.
Don't go making a song and dance over things.
Remember that practice makes perfect.
Refrain from overdoing things.
Always be in tune with what’s right and in harmony with what’s good.
Keep your finger on the pulse.
When it comes to people, always start off on the right note, and try to strike the right chord.
If you want to get on with someone, make some nice overture.
Remember that it’s quality that counts, not volume.
Mind where you chime in.
Mind that you don't get too vocal.
Try not to fret, it's okay if something's not your forte.
Sometimes we need to scale things down.
It always helps if you get into a good rhythm.
Keep your voice within an acceptable frequency range, always mind your tone, and where
someone's hard of hearing, shift things up an octave.
Don’t orchestrate any ill, nor be instrumental in causing any trouble.
Don't unnecessarily cause a chorus of discontent.
Never even the score.
Mind you don't jazz things up too much.
Try not to rock the boat unless it's really needed.
If anyone's starting to get testy, just rap things up.
Remember that it's not uncommon for people to get the blues.
Always be kind to folk.
Don't just waltz in and out of people's lives.
Say nothing but the gospel truth.
Where people are in need, swing into action.
Where people are lonely, pop in to see them.
Where people are struggling, show some soul.
Don't bop people on the head, nor act like a punk.
If you're stressed, spend a weekend in the country, or find some music that's easy listening
and just lounge around or croon away.
And if it's Christmas time, sing a carol.





21.  Forget About A Gaggle Of Geese, What About:


A clutter of teenagers.
A bunch of florists.
A pocket of tailors.
A puff of smokers.
A string of musicians.
A batch of bakers.
A clump of gardeners.
A sprinkling of priests.
A body of nudists.
A stream of fishermen.
A plot of undertakers.
A parcel of postmen.
A couch of psychologists.
A burden of politicians.
A pack of gamblers.
A trickle of plumbers.
A side of butchers.
A pile of dustmen.
A case of ventriloquists.
A clutch of bankers.
A snatch of thieves.
A range of hikers.
A stock of shopkeepers.
A mass of scientists.
A run of painters.
A mess of cleaners.
A jab of doctors.
A herd of hunters.
A flock of pastors.
A raft of sailors.
A measure of cooks.
A splash of swimmers.
A flash of electricians.
A field of farmers.
A patch of sewers
A sum of accountants.
A slice of surgeons.
A fist of boxers.
A grasp of masseurs.
A whirl of dancers.
A burst of comedians.
A perch of orators.
A track of cyclists.
A bulge of weightlifters.
A blanket of nurses.
A rack of dressmakers.
A flare of artists.
A chapter of authors.
A rush of paramedics.
A file of lawyers.
A bench of judges.
A dose of pharmacists.
A school of teachers.
A shoal of divers.
A chain of prisoners.
A nest of builders.
A stretch of athletes.
A trace of detectives.
A span of engineers.
A spree of criminals.
A collection of auctioneers.
A cluster of jewellers.





22.  If You Had Known The Occupation That Your Child Would Choose,
Would You Have Named Them Accordingly:


Mechanic — Jack
Teacher — Mark, Dean
Policeman — Bobby, Marshall
Disc Jockey — Mike
Jeweller — Pearl
Cashier — Penny, Bob
Florist — Rose, Iris, Daisy, Poppy
Artist — Drew
Waitress — Dinah
Fitness Instructor — Jim, Skip
Gardener — Ivy, Doug
Road Worker — Miles
Weather forecaster — Gail, Dawn, Ray
Poet — Fraser
Detective — Casey
Bailiff — Harris
Car salesman — Lincoln, Rob
Chef — Stewart, Patty
Dog Handler — Rolf
Tattooist — Pierce
Farmer — Dale, Angus
Engineer — Bridget
Cook — Basil, Rosemary, Olive, Ginger
Gemmologist — Jade, Crystal, Ruby
Geologist — Pete, Clayton, Sandy, Shelly
Real Estate Agent — Homer
Musician — Blair, Melody
Chimney Sweep — Ash
Fix It Man — Andy
Forrester — Glen, Heath
Quarry Worker — Pitt
Banker — Ritchie
Demolition Man — Rick
Lawyer — Sue, Will
Hairdresser — Shawn, Nick
Actor — Oscar
Pastor — Christian, Neal
Cleaner — Lou, John, Dustin
Vet — Pat, Tom
TV Installer — Ariel
Builder — Mason, Brad
Painter — Art
Doctor — Lance
Judge — Laura, Grace, Frank
Writer — Dot
Dentist — Bill
Carpet Cleaner — Matt
Pest Exterminator — Anthony, Warren
Street Cleaner — Allie
Spy — Russell
Marriage Counsellor — Barney





23.  With Creatures In Mind:


Sheep:
It’s not always wise to follow the flock.
Don’t let anyone pull the wool over your eyes.
Mind those greener pastures.
Dogs:
Mind you’re not barking up the wrong tree.
Elephants:
Think before you order jumbo size.
It doesn’t pay to trumpet your successes.
Mice:
Watch out for traps.
Avoid the cheesy.
Pigs:
Best you keep your snout out of someone else's trough.
Goats:
It doesn't pay to be a silly-billy.
It’s not always wise to kid around.
Make sure of your ground before you lock horns with anyone.
Cows:
Mind no one is milking you.
Hippos:
It's never beneficial to wallow in self-pity.
Deer:
Best we do things right in the first place and not have need of hindsight.
Snakes:
Venom poisons those who harbour it.
And as for
Birds:
It isn’t wise to squawk too often.
It doesn’t pay to ruffle anyone’s feathers unnecessarily.
It doesn't pay to stick your beak in where it's not wanted.
Don’t get too carried away with preening yourself.
Mind what you do for a hoot.
Mind what you do lest it comes home to roost.
It’s always wise to have a little nest egg.
Don't let worry gobble up your energy.





24.  Given That So Many People Eat Creatures,
It's No Wonder That They Are:


As grizzly as a bear;
As stubborn as a mule;
As blind as a bat;
As prickly as a porcupine;
As cold as a lizard;
As slippery as an eel;
As sly as a fox;
As hungry as a lion;
As clucky as a hen;
As proud as a peacock;
As curious as a cat;
As quiet as a mouse;
As crazy as a loon
 — and that they:
Act like sharks or vultures;
Rat on others;
Cry crocodile tears;
Are often too chicken to do things;
Act crabby, fishy or sheepishly;
Wolf their food down;
Make asses of themselves;
Monkey or horse around-cum-act the goat;
Badger others;
Hog things;
Take the lion’s share;
Rabbit on;
Parrot things;
Bark orders;
Snarl, roar, screech or crow;
And often duck for cover or pussyfoot around.




 

25.  Some Silly Questions:


Are crows terrible braggers?
Are wart hogs a veterinarian’s nightmare?
Are wild boars in need of anger management?
Are cuckoos demented birds?
Are hermit frogs anti-social?
Are barn owls country squatters?
Are butterflies a meal time irritation?
Are emperor penguins considered royalty?
Are bald eagles worry warts?
Are ladybirds high-class bugs?
Is a scarlet macaw a promiscuous parrot?
Is a sword fish an ocean warrior?
Is a blue whale a depressed mammal?
Is a field mouse a gypsy rodent?
Is a muskrat a smelly mouse?
Is an ass a foolish donkey?
Is a mocking bird a discouraging distraction?
Is a cricket a sporting insect?
Is a kookaburra good for laughs?
Do polar bears give icy looks?
Do hummingbirds cause interference?
Do catfish like salmon?





26.  Even More Silly Questions:


Are lions the original prowlers?
Are cheetahs the original speedsters?
Are camels the original water tanks?
Are cicadas the original buskers?
Are beetles the original Volkswagens?
Are giraffes the original rubberneckers?
Are kangaroos the original tyre kickers?
Are gorillas the original bouncers?
Are cuckoos the original nutters?
Are geese the original honkers?
Are ducks the original boaties?
Are roosters the original alarm clocks?
Are magpies the original thieves?
Are elephants the original movers and shakers?
Are donkeys the original backpackers?
Are squirrels the original hoarders?
Are pigeons the original posties?
Are sparrows the original jet set?
Are vultures the original freeloaders?
Are sloths the original lazybones?
Are mice the original squatters?
Are fire flys the original lamps?
Are octopi the original multi taskers?
Are moles the original miners?
Are praying mantis the original parishioners?
Are humming birds the original helicopters?
Are kittens the original scamps?
Are hippos the original wallowers?
Are lovebirds the original romantics?
Are pigs the original gluttons?
Are worms the original squirmers?
Are hyenas the original sculkers?
Are owls the original night watchers?
Are bats the original hangers on?
Are baboons the original cheeky lot?
Are peacocks the original show offs?
Are koalas the original tree huggers?
Are hedgehogs the original pin cushions?






27.  T-Shirt Signs For Pregnant Women:


Appearing Soon
Work in progress
"Just a cuddle," he said
There goes the holiday
Playmate
We're hungry
Things happen
Lucky last
We've been busy
We found the manual
Inner bootie
Hitchhiker
Fingers crossed
Yes, I would like that seat
Yes, I am pregnant
Yes, I am married
No, it's not twins
The TV's broken
When he said, "Baby", I thought he meant me.
Double trouble
Sister
Brother
Three to go
Goodbye quiet nights
Men!
He's paying
Practice run
Natural carrier
Finally!
I love baking
Four months to go and counting
He wriggles like his dad
One way to get a kick out of life
I hope the cat won't be upset
Have child will travel
Labour of love





28.  There's Been An Assembly Line Malfuction:


Humans are missing certain accessories.
For example:


A chimney for when they let off steam.
Vents for when they get hot under the collar.
Reversing lights for when they get their back up.
Sandpaper for when they cut up rough.
A parachute for when they fly into a rage.
Gumboots for when they put their foot in it.
Running shoes for when they cross the line.
Mirrors for when they stick their neck out.
A cork for when they blow their top.
A homing device for when they get carried away.
A troubleshooting manual for when they take leave of their senses.
A filter for their potent greenhouse emissions.





29.  Zoos News:


Turtle comes out of his shell.
Visitors get icy reception from penguins.
Beaver ignores chocolate Christmas log.
Annoying badger bothers staff.
Banana pinching Gorilla behind bars.
Panda creates pandemonium.
Alligator no smiling crocodile.
Bobcat ducks for cover.
Kola bear moved to Kuala Lumpur.
Platypus upsets visitors by constantly taking catnaps.
Billy goat the butt of a joke.
Zoo staff paid peanuts.
Zoo staff tired of howling wolf, grizzly bear, shrieking parrot, nitpicking monkey and lyrebird.
Zoo staff rattled by slippery snake scaling fence.
Zookeeper tired of folk getting on his goat.





30.  Imagine The Following Headlines:


Actor involved in domestic drama.
Trumpeter caught steeling tubas.
Electrician sparks fiery debate.
Grave digger loses the plot.
Doctor forms lonely hearts club.
Violinist jailed for string of thefts.
Gatecrashers get snagged on hinges.
Question mark over student's sentence.
Artist burglar leaves his dabs behind.
Curtains for high-rise window cleaner.
Sleeping burglar surprised by intruder.
Zookeeper goes bananas.
Violent herbalist pepper sprayed.
Classical pianist key suspect.
Bogus builder finally nailed.
Nabbed composer changes his tune.
Angry chef cooks his own goose.
Wife of ship’s captain gives birth.
Customs inspector tampers with lawyer’s case.
Fireman gets burnt by scam.
Tattooist fined for doodling.
Parachutist dismantles greenhouse.
Suspected chef grilled by the police.
Police comb area for hairdresser.
Illusionist fools police.
Bank robber unmasked.
Weight watchers organisation downsizes.
Stakeout at barbeque store.
Tenor voices his opinion.
Takeaway shop returned.
Accountant spills the beans.
Author spins police a tall tale.
Selfish tailor suits himself.
Photographer allergic to cheese.
Teenager discovered listening.
Accountants story doesn't add up.
Comedian shoplifts for a laugh.
Superman succumbs to fatigue.
Spiderman caught in web of intrigue.
Batman gets his wings clipped.
Florist names her daughter Daisy.
Police canvassing the neighbourhood for missing tent.
Rescued diver a nervous wreck.
Intoxicated man found with spiked hair.
Irresponsible chef gets a roasting.
Undertaker caught overtaking.
Annoyed singer ends contract on a bad note.
Rebellious skater treading on thin ice.
Meter maid runs out of time.
Sacked pilot flies into a rage.
Forklift driver discovers knife.
House painter given the brush-off.
Awakened aristocrat finds plum in his mouth.
Policeman cuffed by upset chimp.
Battered fisherman a salty seadog.
Dumped surgeon pretty cut up about it.
Plumbers earnings go down the drain.
Author of dictionary lost for words.
Mechanic puts spanner in the works.





31.  Imagine The Following Headlines Regarding Creatures:


Snail Treated For Exhaustion
Cheeky Polar Bear Treading On Thin Ice
Cheetah Seen Wearing Speedos
Light-fingered Chimp Behind Bars
Octopus Gets In A Tangle
Eel Slips Through Police Net
Wood Pigeon Bothered By Woodpecker
Wanted Mole Holed Up
Squirrel Goes Nuts
Wedged Elephant Rescued From Mini
Giraffe Grazed By Hang Glider
Magpie Nabbed For Stealing
Night Owl Suffering From Insomnia
Zebra Confused By Crossing
Sloth Found Hanging Around Neighbourhood
Badger Confined For Pestering
Centipede's Hip Replacement Too Costly
Kookaburra Tired Of Gum Tree
Monstrous Electric Eel Shocks Fishermen.
Cuckoo Appears So
Gorilla Goes Bananas
Crab Clams Up Over Missing Pearl
Woodchuck Misses Target
Water Buffalo Swallows Tap
Puffin Bird Not Fit To Race
Stork Delivers Wrong Baby
Cicada Defies Noise Control
Flea Bites Owner
Hippo Cracks Bathtub
Skunk Clears Restaurant
Wildebeest Found Bewildered
Pig Balks At Ham Sandwich
Vulture Tires Of Leftovers
Grizzly Bear Just An Old Grouch
Hedgehog Surprises Barefoot Joggers
Parrot Repeats Owner’s Indiscretion





32.  More Imaginary Headlines:


Lost Property Manager Loses It.
Electrician Sparks Row.
Woodchopper Axed From Show.
Actor Missing From Scene.
Panel Beater’s Hopes Dented.
Police Combing The Area For Missing Hairdresser.
Marriage Celebrant Weds.
Tennis Player Makes Net Gain.
Newsreader Makes The Headlines.
Van Driver Delivered A Blow.
Hunter Shoots Through.
Locksmith Keyed Up.
Pharmacist’s Bitter Pill.
Chess Player Top Of His Game.
Golfer Putting Along.
Priest Confesses To Mass Indiscretion.
Cross-dressing Priest Defrocked.
Nun Reveals Annoying Habit.
Reformed Burglar Steals The Show.
Weightlifter Held Up
Pest Controller Gets Flea In His Ear.
Balloonist Pops The Question.
Boxer Misplaces Ring.
Private Eye Goes Public.
Comedian Gets The Last Laugh.
Soprano Fined A Tenor.
Pole Vaulter Reaches New Heights.
Arborist Branches Out.
Astronomer Becomes A Star.
Band Leader Brassed Off
Medium In The Dark.
Psychic Vague About Past.
Astronaut Mars His Record.
Dog Trainer In The Doghouse.
Pilot’s Health Nosedives.
Author Loses The Plot.
Hit Man Bites The Bullet.
Boiler Stokers Fired Up.
Artist’s Details Sketchy.
Officer In Charge Charged.
Masseur Relaxed About Relationship.
Prince Pays Princely Sum.
Spy Spies Spy Spying.
Magician Disappears.
Prankster’s Behaviour A Joke.
Nanny Rocks Township.
Teacher Taught Lesson.
Spiderman Caught In Web Of Intrigue.
Superman Attends Super Bowl.
Wonder Woman Winched To Safety.
Batman Wings It.
Cabinet Maker Unhinged.
Witchdoctor Sent Away For A Spell.
Cole Merchant’s Name Blackened.





33.  Even More Imaginary Headlines:


Police grill man over stolen barbeque.
Postman pinched by unhinged letterbox.
Drummer beats hasty retreat.
Chicken farmer plucked to safety.
Night owl caught moonlighting.
Pilot in a spin.
Stressed skier snowed under.
Chiropractor snaps.
Drone buzzes behive.
Trapper’s trap traps trapper.
Tailor caught lining his own pocket.
Organist donates organ.
Soccer player kicked off field.
Woodchopper axed from show.
Tutankhamen fined for disturbing the peace.
Accountant’s days numbered.
Belly dancer's debut belly flops.
Zookeeper behind bars.
Contortionist in a tangle.





34.  And Even More Imaginary Headlines:


Pound Dogged By Troubles.
Cyclist Builds Bespoke Bike.
Granny Smith Bakes Apple Pie.
Bass Guitarist Trebles His Earnings.
Taxidermist Becomes Uber Driver.
Marriage Counsellor Divorces Wife.
Personal Assistant Gets Too Personal.
Storm Over Weather Balloon.
Sharks Spotted Near Finland.
Turnips Gain Favour In Sweden.
Ancient Crockery Found In China.
Bow Ties Intercepted At Thai Airport.
Greenland Welcomes Greenpeace.
Turkey Gobbles Up The Competition.
Chile Joins Iceland In Winter Sports.
Author Booked Out.
Glue Salesman Loses Contact.
Private Eye Goes Public.
Rocket Scientist Stumped.
Kick Boxer Kicked Out.
Nuclear Scientist Has Meltdown.





35.  What Might The Following People Eat?


Well, comedians might eat corn.
Accountants might eat beans.
Dentists might eat gummy bears.
Drummers might eat beetroot.
Jewellers might eat silver beet.
Prisoners might eat porridge.
Divers might eat watermelons.
Bankers might eat cashew nuts.
Snooker players might eat cucumbers.
Twins might eat pears.
Couples might eat dates.
Photographers might eat cheese.
Farmers might eat strawberries.
Builders might eat chippies.
Speakers might eat waffles.
Eskimos might eat ice blocks.
Scaredy cats might eat chicken.
Girls might eat chickpeas.






36.  A Prosy Ad:


Surgeon Seeks Wife

People sometimes think I’m a bit sharp, but I guess that’s because I’m at the cutting edge of things and thus tend to needle folk a bit due to pressure. Generally I try not to get under people’s skin, but in my game such is pretty hard to avoid. However, I do have a good sense of humour and often have people in stitches, they soon nursing their sides. Given that most of my time is spent in theatre, I’d probably be at home on the stage. I’m currently hoping to resuscitate my love life which recently suffered a cardiac arrest due to a nagging condition that eventually ruptured a foo foo valve. I must say that my heart’s in the right place and once again pumping with romantic anticipation. I’d like to sew things up as soon as possible as I’m not getting any younger and my forte isn’t plastic surgery. Am currently monitoring my emails with intensive care midst operations and rounds in order not to bypass any potential permanent arrangement. So please don’t hesitate to contact me as my computer is swabbed daily using sterile gloves and thus is free of viruses and bugs. My meeting with anyone will duly be followed up with a positive or negative prognosis, so to speak. Or something in that vein. I will try to be as flexible as I can and thus a lunchtime meeting shouldn’t result in any trauma.

Yours expectantly,
Guy Scissors





37.  Individual Muses:


I love my little garden, it’s so full of pretty flowers,
And when the sun is shining, I oft work in it for hours.
I have a little visitor who likes to help as well,
But one who keeps digging little holes that I’m forced to fill.


Everyone's gone to the moon, and I’m sitting here on my own feeling a right fool,
And trying to figure out how to work everything (oh, I should’ve stayed at school),
Well, what’s left, I should say, given that everything is in a state of disrepair,
And why I can’t be bothered getting dressed, getting a shower or combing my hair.


I really mustn’t grumble, 'cause although I took a little tumble,
I landed with my face in a delicious, scrumptious apple crumble.
So please pass the cream, 'cause one should always make the best of a bad thing,
Hence why in-between mouthfuls, the merits of puddings I loudly sing.


We’ve visitors to our tree, who come quite regularly,
And gobble at the berries ’till they get fat and heavy.
When they go to fly away, they descend before they rise,
Which just goes to show that overeating is far from wise.


What is a hedgehog doing trotting about during the day,
'Cause hedgehogs usually come out when it’s night time, don’t they?
Lost your watch? Too tired to sleep? Confused? Extra hungry, maybe?
Well, I wouldn’t be long, there’s much more traffic about, you see.


What’s all the noise about, little sparrow? Enough’s enough!
You’ve been waking people up, leaving them grumpy and gruff.
Can’t you tone it down a bit? You are rather loud, you know,
And PLEASE, not in that oak tree that’s right outside our window.


There’s a fly in my soup, it either swimming or stuck,
And it’s still got its dirty old boots on — of all the luck!
It’s not as if it has showered and wiped itself down,
Hence why I'm very unhappy and sporting a frown.