The Secret

 





53.  Watch Out, Love’s About


Love isn’t just charming, but also most disarming, as it can catch you by surprise — yes, for round you it will sneak, and from behind some disguise will peek, and before you realise, mischievously surprise, or perhaps your attention seek.
Sometimes it may hide behind a little gift, one that your sagging spirits will lift, or it’ll grab you around your middle and squeeze, which will invariably please, for it’s the affectionate kind, the kind that says, “I love you,” and, “Just thought I’d remind.”
Oh, it’s so impishly playful, inexhaustible, but in a delightful way, for its intentions are pure, and its surprises reassure, as only nice things they convey.
It simply can’t help itself, can’t be anything but itself, hence its acts of kindness that bring joy, brighten and buoy, and its appearances via a stunning rainbow, a home-grown flower show, or any other means it chooses to employ.
Love cheerily appears in many forms, an encouraging word, a chirpy little bird, a lap snoozing pet, a gloriously inspiring sunset, a lingering kiss or hug, a cute little ladybird bug, a bubbling brook, an enjoyable uplifting book, a turn on a swing, blossoms in Spring, pleasant moments we share, a gorgeous big soft teddy bear.
Yes, love seeks to please, and moments will seize, in order to surprise, delight, enthral, thrill, beguile — be that via a friendly wave, a little note, an encouraging quote, an unexpected visit, a helping hand, or a pleasant smile. Or be that via a favourite cake, cooing sounds that it may make, a warming drink, an approving wink, a happy tune, a starry night and wide-eyed moon. Or maybe via a welcoming bark, a cosy stroll in the dark, an amusing sight, a special invite, or dinner for two by candlelight.
Yes, love simply can’t help itself, can’t be anything but itself, hence its busy activity, those acts that occur spontaneously, intentionally, consistently or randomly, and those joyously concealed (but sometime, somewhere revealed) surprises — and oh, how each one so aptly characterises love’s amazing creativity and endearing artistry.
So, watch out, love’s about.

By Lance Landall



54.  Top Billing


Well hi there folks, gorgeous gals and handsome blokes. Welcome to The Sandbar, where everyone’s a star. Thanks for the wave. What a swell crowd. I’m your host from up the coast, Benny Pelican, NBC’s anchorman. And assisting me up here, like a breath of fresh sea air, the delightful Ella Puffin and Cleo Marlin, who’ve just surfed on in. Give them a big cheer.
Without further ado, and with a round of applause too, let’s greet tonight’s crew.
To my right, bound to excite, a trio just in from Rio — Chet Cougar on lead guitar! Charlie Cheetah on bass guitar! And Earl Puma on acoustic guitar!
Moving along, a sextet en route to Hong Kong — Duke Armadillo on the oboe! Ray Bobcat on the cello! Wes Penguin on the accordion! Louis Chipmunk on the mandolin! Miles Koala on the harmonica! Dizzy Gorilla on the viola! And straight from a sell-out gig, the quintessential harpist, Zac guinea pig!
In the middle, itching to twiddle — Red Fox on the fiddle! Pete Porcupine on the lute! Bud Bandicoot on the flute! Chick Weasel on the trumpet! Dick Woodchuck on the cornet! Stan Mole on the clarinet! Herbie Hare on the recorder! Art Beaver on the synthesizer! Max Gazelle on the bugle! (Sparking on all fours as usual). And rushed back from Cuba, Slam Badger on the tuba!
On my left side, once again with pride — Ed Moose on the banjo! Count Hippo on the piccolo! Oscar Rhino on the piano! (A rhythmic dynamo). Quincy Gnu on the double bass! (Another fresh face). Fats Rabbit on the drum-kit! (Always a big hit). Freddie Chimpanzee on the ukulele! (An evolving celebrity). The zany Loons and Raccoons on the spoons! The amazing Yaks on the sax! (One of our regular acts). Slinky Joe Lynx on the vibraphone! Our very own Chad Bear on the trombone! And last but not least, Mister Smooth himself, organist Jimmy Wildebeest!
Also known to the locals, Nat King Wolf and Frank Coyote on vocals!
Special guest, nothing but the best, Shooby Meerkat, the king of scat! Along with tonight’s backing singers, Sammy Macaw junior, (a rising star), Dean Cockatiel, and Billie budgerigar! And dare I forget, from Phuket, the Aardvark bell ringers!
And by popular vote, and musically famous too please note, our current conductor Thaddeus Eel, who for the first time tonight, for your delight, an electric arrangement will reveal!
Take it away, Maestro!

By Lance Landall



55.  Orchestral Overexertion


The members of the orchestra, (clutching their repertoire), had arranged themselves on stage, but from what one could gauge, there was a discordant air — yes, a rather crotchety atmosphere, a distinct lack of rhythm and harmony, (more a chorus of discontent, just quietly), be it over something minor or major, (and probably minor, I’d wager), but nevertheless, as you no doubt could guess, such was starting things off on a bad note, and thus the chances of an agreeable grand finale rather remote.
One of the violinists, who was wearing a bow, and quite in tune from top to toe, seemed to be rather highly strung, and somewhat operatic, judging by her shrill and busy tongue, and for some strange reason, was fiddling with her case, seemingly ruffled and flushed in the face, all of which was bothering the drummer, who seemed to be looking glummer, and who lest there were repercussions, or strident discussions, beat a hasty retreat, thus avoiding a clash, or something rash, which might result in defeat.
Even the ivory haired but clearly ill-prepared pianist seemed keyed up, judging by her tone, not to mention her flitting back and forth like a metronome, which only served to treble the tension, and further draw the maestro’s attention, who felt they weren’t conducting themselves very well, and their excitableness sought to quell, as he raised his baton in order to bring order, before their performance went even further downhill, not to mention, up a decibel.
But before he could rap, (perhaps I should’ve said tap), or even say a word, another commotion was heard, for the guitarist had tripped over the kettle drum, and midst rather lyrical but sharp accents, was flat on his back nursing a fractured thumb, now unable to strum — and to add insult to injury, (as far as one could see), was receiving a certain harmonic distortion from the saxophonist, who, due to the guitarist’s unfortunate forward pitch, had elbowed and winded the trombonist, who in return, elbowed and blasted the saxophonist, as if to settle the score, which rather than creating peace, simply created a rift, an unpleasant drift, an ominous prelude, given the ensuing feud, which turned into a full-scale war.
Oh dear, what a sight to see, musicians acting anything but melodiously, a right royal cacophony — yes, each terribly out of tune, shockingly way off key — in other words, wildly improvising musically, or should that be vocally?
Soon instruments littered the floor, and even musicians what’s more, midst a mixture of classic and contemporary sounds and movements, which certainly left room for improvements, all of which the maestro couldn’t contain, and in the interests of his health, even wealth, thought it better not to remain — so, not having a bar of it, (and why should he, what’s more?), he quickly marched out the door, as fiery fugues, booming canons, crazy concertos, contemptuous rhapsodies, disparaging sonatas, audacious overtures, cheeky minuets, and a climatic symphony, (if you please), began to soar.
Yes, what a commotion, so much pent-up emotion, and needless to say, given their getting so carried away, there wasn’t any practice done that day, for by the time they had finished, their energy was diminished, and their battered instruments weren’t able to play.
Oh, what a tall tale, you might well say, and quite rightly so, at the end of the day, for it’s simply designed in order to remind: That no matter how much one’s stressed, it’s all in the way it’s expressed, and that there are far better ways to unwind.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to harp on.

By Lance Landall




56.  Geoffrey (not so) Hilarious


Yes, Geoffrey (not so) Hilarious, just couldn’t be serious — well, that is to say, largely so — perhaps just like someone you know, and all throughout conversations, chipped in with his adulterations, or that which some would call witty, (and others, rudeness, getting to the nitty-gritty), they calling a spade a spade, they neither mistaken nor afraid.
Yes, he just making light of what was said, and saying whatever was in his head, thus derailing their train of thought, and hence their often angry retort, for such became infuriating, and they very soon advocating — well, more than advocating, actually — that he not be taken seriously.
Thus, with the tables now turned, a lesson was quickly learned, for anything that Geoffrey said, where wanting to be serious instead, folk chipped in with their adulterations, which soon thwarted his articulations, leaving Geoffrey (not so) Hilarious, thinking such rather mysterious, until it all suddenly dawned, and of much more coming, folk warned, unless he behaved with more sense, and stopped making things so tense, which I’m very happy to convey, was the result of that bell ringing day, for Geoffrey (not so) Hilarious, started behaving more serious, leaving all to sigh with relief, having cleverly resolved their beef, and now able to converse more freely, they no longer dogged by absurdity.

By Lance Landall 




57.  Long-winded Angus Walker


Long-winded Angus Walker, was a terrible talker, and by that I mean, he could talk the hatch off a submarine — yes, no one getting a word in edgeways, his verbal rants leaving folk in a daze, not to mention frustrated too, for they could tell him a thing or two, but no, they didn’t have a show, he clearly unfamiliar with “Whoa!” — and thus as far as listening went, such was purely and simply a non-event, for such would mean he’d have to stop, and then talking for listening swap, which clearly wasn’t on his agenda, and hence he being a constant offender.
Well, one very fortunate day, meaning fortunate in a certain way, he developed a very sore throat, and time for chat was unable to devote, given it took weeks for the virus to go, and oh dear me, how folk seized that opportunity, besieging bed-bound Angus Walker verbally — in other words, until his ears were Rudolph red — and nothing but vowels and consonants sounding in his head, and thus needless to say, after the virus went its generous way, long-winded Angus Walker, ceased to be such a talker, and even went very quiet, I’ve heard some say.


By Lance Landall 




58.  Gossiper Joe


Gossiper Joe would oft tarry so, he sharing stories that spread like weeds, (and sometimes despite his victim’s pleads), he too obsessed with every detail, even enhancing each borrowed tale, and much to the delight of many, they more than happy to hear any, all of which kept his tongue busy, and left the heads of some folk dizzy, they not wanting to hear such, but pinned, at which Gossiper Joe knowingly grinned, for he didn’t want anyone to go, nor anything to break his juicy flow, which though pleasing some, left others feeling numb, and why they oft crossed the street, lest Gossiper Joe they meet.
Well, (oh, how I dearly love that well), a very sorry fate Joe befell, for one day midst another cruel tale, and revelations about Abigail, he unwittingly spoke to her father, who not surprisingly got in a lather, and who with the help of a passer-by, who also considered such a lie, quickly taped Joe’s mouth tightly shut, he unable to even splutter “But” and given the tapes stick-ability, it took doctors with much ability, but not before a day or two had passed, and thus Gossiper Joe learning fast, who nowadays very little conveys, having thus been helped to mend his ways, which very clearly just goes to show, that we shouldn’t pass on what we know, lest some similar horrid fate occur, due to gossiping about him or her.


By Lance Landall




59.  Ridiculous Nicholas


Ridiculous Nicholas was truly that
ridiculous for whenever he bothered to stop and chat, he proclaimed the most ridiculous things, hence all those bells with their “Oh dear me” rings, for listeners quickly became aware, that something quite odd was reaching their ear, hence why they’d politely bid their leave, and on their way, giggle up their sleeve, and why a few examples I’ll share, given that you’re reading what's penned here, and now, are clearly wanting to know, which certainly just goes to show, that one shouldn’t get folk going, given some things aren’t worth knowing — but! — seen as you’re sighing and begging, and I not one for reneging, a few things that he said were, (not that I’m the type to stir) — no, I can’t, cause you’d laugh at me, think that I’m talking ridiculously — sorry, I guess I am reneging, and after all your sighs and begging, but what on earth can I do, cause I doubt you’ll think such true — okay! okay! — here’s one thing that he said then, if there’s enough ink in my pen: That when people go to bed at night, tiny little creatures bare toes bite, and that dipping toes in honey, (albeit such sticky and runny), will stop them munching on the skin, be one masculine or feminine.
Well, I knew you wouldn’t believe that, so I’d just keep such under your hat, for were you to share this tale, your freedom some might curtail, as happened to ridiculous Nicholas, sadly, they thinking he some danger to society.


By Lance Landall




60.  Rufus Crumbs


Now here’s a wee tale about Rufus Crumbs, he being an obsessive beater of drums, and to make things worse, and what some called a curse, he would pick up his sticks and loudly play, and by that I mean, any hour come night or day, and as an unsurprising consequence, the response of others was quite intense, but without success, I’m afraid, they disturbed by the shouts he made, for nothing at all was going to stop him, and thus they returning home with faces grim.
Well, inconsiderate Rufus Crumbs, who wouldn’t let up playing the drums, eventually cooked his own goose, and as far as anyone could deduce, he falling victim to repetitive strain injury, and thus no longer beating maniacally — yes, too much of a good thing, or was it more a bad thing, and now, he unable to do anything, his wrists being far too sore, something that he never foresaw, but it a lesson he needed to learn though, and how the lights of others soon ceased to glow, they snugly and peacefully asleep, and no longer counting restless sheep, and sorrowful Rufus Crumbs now just staring at his drums.
Oh dear.....I don’t think.


By Lance Landall




61.  Burly Bernie Seize


Burly Bernie Seize always loved to squeeze, which to be honest, would normally please, as we all love a hug, but that was the trouble, and what burst the bubble, for Bernie began to bug, and the very reason why being, which he clearly wasn’t seeing, was that anything can be overdone, and therefore, it no longer seen as fun.
So despite the sighs and groans, and from time to time the moans, Bernie Seize continued to squeeze, which really began to displease, and why folk would often hide, (he spotted outside, they dashing inside, he spotted inside, they dashing outside), and so it would’ve continued, (and given how discontent had brewed), if it hadn’t been for a loud crack, someone’s ribs or bothersome back, and oh, what a commotion-cum-undiluted emotion
the result being bandages and lotion, and possibly some nasty potion and where was burly Bernie Seize? — seemingly gone with the breeze — for no one was wanting a squeeze, and he having learnt the hard way, and by that I mean to say, that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and in this distressing case — a squeeze — too late learnt by burly Bernie Seize, whose squeezes soon ceased to please.

By Lance Landall 




62.  Benjamin Sniffer


Benjamin Sniffer was as nosy as can be, someone who couldn’t stifle his curiosity, and hence his cheeky questions-cum-nosy nose, he hoping juicy morsels folk might disclose — well, you know how it goes — and he thus treading on a number of toes, for who likes nosy parkers with itchy ears, who, by the way, something spicy cruelly shares, and hence those repercussions-cum-heated discussions, for what was told soon got the teller in trouble, Benjamin passing on what would burst someone’s bubble — well, every so often, that is — folk in a tizz, they wishing that they’d said nothing at all, and shouting how Benjamin had quite a gall, and how he was heading for a nasty fall — yes, Mister Benjamin Sniffer, the know-it-all — who anything and everything revealed, be it something that appalled or appealed — in other words, his lips not sealed, come warts and all, and hence why folk nicknamed him Sniffer, you see, Benjamin’s nosy nose sniffing obsessively.
Well, one day, (and you were expecting this, weren’t you?), things went astray, for he passed on what someone wiser wouldn’t do, and needless to say, things went horribly askew, for what was told caused a right royal riot, and why today, Benjamin Sniffer is…..well, rather quiet…..his nosy nose no longer as nosy, and sporting a rosy red shiner, I see — or was it more a purple-cum-black and blue? — well, I’ll leave that pretty image up to you.


By Lance Landall




63.  Poor Bobby Hugh


Poor Bobby Hugh was feeling very blue, (such being an emotional kind of hue), for no sweet lady chose to come his way, one who’d flutter her eyelashes and say, “Oh, Bobby dear, you’re my kind of guy,” and thereby, much of his time occupy, which would’ve seen Bobby soon jump with joy, and extremely creative plans employ, which a proposal would also include, (such midst soft lights, pleasant music and food), and he hoping that she’d quickly reply, “Oh, yes dear!” and then they both wave goodbye, for a honeymoon would be rather nice-cum-some cosy little lost paradise, but alas, such hardly likely to be, for poor Bobby was pushing ninety three.
Well, life’s certainly full of surprises, which tend to come in all shapes and sizes, and yes, not to mention advancing years, for midst frivolity, feasting and cheers, Bobby Hugh saw his long-time dream come true, (he no longer feeling hopelessly blue), and he carried his new wife up the stairs, his fervour hardly in line with his years, for amidst wheezes and gasps he expired, and much sooner than expected retired, which, to be frank, hardly came as a surprise, and why due thought and care I would advise, for some things just aren’t mind over matter, which reality’s soon seen to shatter.


By Lance Landall




64.  Terrance Snoozer


Terrance Snoozer was in love with his bed, and a fluffy pillow on which he rested his head, hence his struggle to arise come the morning  — and here, I’m not talking about when the day was dawning, skies cloudy or clear — oh no, but rather, half way through the day, and very reluctantly, let me say.
Yes, he dead to the world and snoozing very nosily, his alarm clock upside down and buried inventively — and oh, whenever someone tried to awaken him, or even worse, suggest a workout at a gym, what a hullabaloo, for it was only snoozing that Terrance Snoozer sought to pursue.
Well, life has a habit of upsetting plans, especially those “Just leave me alone” plans, and hence an illness that kept him in bed for months, night and day, (not to mention those bed sores, by the way), all of which damped his desire to snooze, (that over the top slumbering that no one should choose), and why nowadays he’s up and about, and no one having to prod, shake or shout, not that such did anything anyway, until life decided to have its say.


By Lance Landall




65.  Gary Blighter


Gary Blighter was a terrible writer, his handwriting impossible to understand, and such, let me add, not being due to a shaky hand, but rather, a pen that was seemingly unmanned, for oh, how it would scribble, and why many folk would quibble, cheques bouncing left and right, and ensuing comments not polite, but still nothing changing his style, and thus complaints growing by the mile, (or should I say pile?), until, as is oft the case, he pushed his luck and wrongly put too noughts in place, not intentionally of course, but as a matter of course, and out of his bank account went a heap, and he as a consequence minus much sleep, which just goes to show how scribble can cost, for how much was lost? A heap!


By Lance Landall




66.  Sigh


She placed a kiss in her palm, blew it to me, and I nearly fell off my seat, she very sweet, and I no longer calm, my heart having rocketed, that kiss mentally pocketed, and she off on the train — oh, the strain, for when might I see her again, and then, what would I say, 'cause nerves I’d convey.
Oh, how I treasured that kiss of promises, I sitting at Thomas’s — yes, each day begun with a cuppa, a kind of pick-me-upper, people coming and going, various trains toing and froing, and a smile once begun recurring, and now, a blown kiss of promises stirring, romance in the air, but alas, I still sitting there, ’cause I saw her with another — oh, if only he had been her brother.

By Lance Landall





A Prosey Ad


Surgeon Seeks Wife

People sometimes think I’m a bit sharp, but I guess that’s because I’m at the cutting edge of things and thus tend to needle folk a bit due to pressure. Generally I try not to get under people’s skin, but in my game such is pretty hard to avoid. However, I do have a good sense of humour and often have folk in stitches, they soon nursing their sides. Given that most of my time is spent in theatre, I’d probably be at home on the stage. I’m currently hoping to resuscitate my love life which recently suffered a cardiac arrest due to a nagging condition that eventually ruptured a foo foo valve. I must say that my heart’s in the right place and once again pumping with romantic anticipation. I’d like to sew things up as soon as possible as I’m not getting any younger and my forte isn’t plastic surgery. Am currently monitoring my emails with intensive care midst operations and rounds in order not to bypass any potential permanent arrangement. So please don’t hesitate to contact me as my computer is swabbed daily using sterile gloves and thus is free of viruses and bugs. My meeting with anyone will duly be followed up with a positive or negative prognosis, so to speak. Or something in that vein. I will try to be as flexible as I can and thus a lunchtime meeting shouldn’t result in any trauma.

Yours expectantly,
Guy Scissors

By Lance Landall


More poems like those directly above can be seen by clicking on the row of buttons positioned near the top and on the right hand side of the poem list page.


Oh, and there's this one too.

Click on the link below for a naughty little poem no, not that kind of naughty!

Reveal allHide poem...



Just Joking


I jokingly asked, “Will you marry me?” and she took it very seriously, and now we’re wed, which just goes to show, what one should surely know, that it oft pays to mind what’s said.
I jokingly said, “Let’s have kids,” and soon there were three extra heads, which meant I hadn’t learnt, and thus a further lesson earnt, for who likes changing nappies and making beds?
I jokingly offered to bake, a serious mistake, for she happily said okay, which gave me less time to laze, and also at the TV gaze, seemingly destined to learn the hard way.
I jokingly said, “I’ll do the dishes,” which soon saw me fulfilling her wishes, and thus slaving over pots and pans — yes, a victim of my own folly, and soon feeling very sorry, for to be honest, I had other plans.
I jokingly said, “I’ll do the washing,” which yet again, had me in water sloshing, and regretting what I’d said, for I had to peg and iron too, rather than more fun things do — oh, why didn’t I stay in bed?
Naaa, I’m just joking.
Sorry dear…..ouch!
I said I was just joking!….ouch!!

By Lance Landall





General Nonsense


Musical tastes


Have you ever wondered what songs a doctor (for example) might listen to? Well, what do you think of the following? They largely oldies.

Doctor:
A Whiter Shade Of Pale; It's Not Unusual; Love Hurts; Just In Time; It Could Happen To You; Show Me; Heartbeat; Lazy Bones; I Left My Heart In San Francisco; Heartaches By The Number; What's In A Kiss; Don't It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue.
Psychiatrist:
Help!; Gentle On My Mind; Song Sung Blue; Make The World Go Away; This Masquerade; Who Can I Turn To?; Hooked On A Feeling; How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?; There's Always Something There To Remind Me; I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself; Yesterday Once More; I Had The Craziest Dream; Rainy Days And Mondays; Moody River; If You Could Read My Mind; That's Life; Let It Be; Ode To Billy Joe; At Last; Help Me Make It Through The Night; Try To Remember.
Astronought:
Fly Me To The Moon; Stardust; Top Of The World; Catch A Falling Star; Major Tom; Rocket Man.
Pilot:
Up, Up And Away; Leaving On A Jet Plane; Wind Beneath My Wings; Come Fly With Me; Give Me A Ticket For An Aeroplane.
Dentist:
Can't Smile Without You.
Gardener:
Tulips From Amsterdam; Green Green Grass Of Home; Greensleeves; Ramblin' Rose; It Might As Will Be Spring; Autumn Leaves; Summertime; September Song; April In Paris; Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme; Windflowers; Roses Are Red; Strawberry Fields Forever.
Artist:
Portrait Of My Love; Colour My World; Deep Purple; Blue Moon; Pretty Woman.
Motivational Speaker:
What A Wonderful World; Anything Is Possible; Put On A Happy Face; I Don't Believe In If Anymore; Smile; New World In The Morning; High Hopes; Pick Yourself up; Congratulations; My Way; You've Made Me So Very Happy!; Don't Worry, Baby
Builder:
If I Had A Hammer; If I Were A Carpenter; A House Is Not A Home; Don't Fence Me In; Up On The Roof; Maxwell's Silver Hammer; Rags To Riches; Wooden Heart.
Watchmaker:
As Time Goes By; The Syncopated Clock; Now Is The Hour; 5 O'clock World; We've All The Time In The World; If I Only Had Time.
Prisoner:
Unchained Melody; Born Free; Release Me; I'll Be Home For Christmas; Stand By Your Man; Daddy's Home; Mack The
Knife; Jailhouse Rock.
Policeman:
Somewhere Out There; Bobby's Girl; I Remember You; For All We Know; Reason To Believe; Make It Easy On Yourself; I Fought The Law; Where Are You Now; Hey; Beat It; Suspicious Minds.
Engineer:
Bridge Over Troubled Water; The 59th Street Bridge Song.
Banker:
Rags To Riches; If I Were A Rich Man; A String Of Pearls; Silver Bells; Pennies From Heaven; Penny Lane; Money, Money, Money; Three Coins In The Fountain; Do-re-mi.
Fireman:
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes; Ring Of Fire; Light My Fire.
Train Driver:
Engine Engine Number Nine; Chattanooga Choo-Choo; Chug-A-Lug; Starlight Express; Peace Train; Last Train To Clarkesville; Take The A Train.
Travel Agent:
Here, There, And Everywhere; Midnight In Moscow; Weekend In New England; Blue Hawaii; The White Cliffs Of Dover; Moonlight In Vermont; The Last Time I Saw Paris; Mull Of Kintyre; By the Time I get To Phoenix; Durham Town; London By Night.
Pensioner:
Young At Heart; Those Were The Days; Long Ago (And Far Away); Sentimental Journey; Moments To Remember.
Night Watchman:
Dancing In The Dark; Wonderland By Night; Solitaire; Glow Worm; 16 Candles; Sounds Of Silence.
Electrician:
Wichita Linesman; When The Lights Go On Again; You Light Up My Life; Wired For Sound.
Newlyweds:
Lolipops And Roses; Cherish; I Can't Stop Loving You; True Love Ways; I Have Loved Me A Man; You're The One; Run To Me; Close To You; In The Mood; Unforgettable; Matrimony; Tea For Two; Love Letters; Put Your Head On My Shoulder.
Marriage Counsellor:
Both Sides Now; Honey Come Back; How Insensitive; Lipstick On Your Collar; We Can Work It Out; Call Me Irresponsible; Fools Rush In (Where Angels Fear To Tread); When Two Worlds Collide; Promises, Promises; I'll Never Fall In Love Again; He'll Have To Go; Don't Blame Me; Husbands And Wives; All You Need Is Love; Let It Be; Try A Little Tenderness; Dreams Of The Everyday Housewife; You're Going To Lose That Girl; Harmony; Constantly; Tell Her About It.
Sailor:
Beyond The Sea; Ebb Tide; Sailing; The Sky Boat Song; Been Fishin'; Red Sails In The Sunset; How Deep Is The Ocean?; Ferry Cross The Mersey; Harbor Lights; Yellow Submarine; Sit Down, You're Rockin' The Boat.
Composer:
I Write The Songs; This Is My Song; This One's For You.
Musician:
I Got Rhythm; Ten Guitars; Seventy Six Trombones; Piano Man; The Sound Of Music; Rhythm Of Life; Thank You For The Music.
Weatherman:
A Foggy Day; Soon It's Gonna Rain; The Wayward Wind; Misty; Summer Breeze; Blue Skies; Stormy Weather; Sunrise, Sunset; Four Strong Winds; Gone With The Wind.
Weightlifter:
He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother; Sixteen tons; Carry That Weight.
Veterinarian:
A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square; Blackbird; Snowbird; Hummingbird; Yellow bird; Puppy Love; Bye Bye Blackbird; Hound Dog; Teddy Bear; Wild Horses; Hang On Snoopy; What's New Pussycat?.
Dressmaker:
Buttons And Bows; Knights In White Satin; Baubles, Bangles and Beads; Blue Velvet; Scarlet Ribbons; Needles And Pins.
Postman:
Love Letters; Return To Sender; Message To Michael; Please Mr Postman.
Minister:
I Say A Little Prayer; I Believe; Crying In The Chapel.
Geologist:
Go Tell It On The Mountain; Shifting Whispering Sands.
Politician:
If I Ruled The World; I've Got The World On A String; Welcome To My World; We're Gonna Change The World.
Orchardist:
Little Green Apples; Banana Boat Song; Honey; Lemon Tree; I Heard It Through The Grapevine.
Optician:
I Can See Clearly Now.
Taxi Driver:
Downtown; Turn, Turn, Turn; The Long And Winding Road; On The Road Again; Penny Lane.
Nanny:
Lullaby Of Birdland.
Comedian:
The Fool On The Hill; Somethin' Stupid; My Funny Valentine; Cathy's Clown.
Spy:
Do You Want To Know A Secret? You've Got To Hide Your Love Away; Poison Ivy; Spooky; Silence Is Golden; This Masquerade; Strangers In The Night; Thriller; I'll Walk Alone.
Author:
I'm A Writer, Not A Fighter.
Magician:
Magic Moments; Bedazzled.
Sports Commentator:
It's All In The Game.
Motorcyclist:
Riders On The Storm.
Undertaker:
Staying Alive; Living Doll.
Mountaineer:
Climb Every Mountain.
Astronomer:
Venus In Blue Jeans; Everyone's Gone To The Moon; Superstar; Moondance.
Dancer:
The Last Waltz; Whole Lot Of Shaking Goin' On; Do You Wanna Dance; Be-bop-a-lula; I Could've Danced All Night; Twist And Shout; Takes Two To Tango.
Mayor:
My Kind Of Town.
Celebrant:
Congratulations.
Soldier:
G.I.Blues
Surgeon:
The First Cut Is The Deepest.


Imagine the following headlines


Actor involved in domestic drama.
Trumpeter caught steeling tubas.
Electrician sparks fiery debate.
Grave digger loses the plot.
Doctor forms lonely hearts club.
Violinist jailed for string of thefts.
Gatecrashers get snagged on hinges.
Question mark over student's sentence.
Artist burglar leaves his dabs behind.
Curtains for high-rise window cleaner.
Sleeping burglar surprised by intruder.
Zookeeper goes bananas.
Violent herbalist pepper sprayed.
Classical pianist key suspect.
Bogus builder finally nailed.
Nabbed composer changes his tune.
Angry chef cooks his own goose.
Wife of ship’s captain gives birth.
Customs inspector tampers with lawyer’s case.
Fireman gets burnt by scam.
Tattooist fined for doodling.
Parachutist dismantles greenhouse.
Suspected chef grilled by the police.
Taxi driver charged.
Police comb area for hairdresser.
Illusionist fools police.
Bank robber unmasked.
Weight watchers organisation downsizes.
Stakeout at barbeque store.
Tenor voices his opinion.
Takeaway shop returned.
Accountant spills the beans.
Author spins police a tall tale.
Selfish tailor suits himself.
Photographer allergic to cheese.
Teenager discovered listening.
Accountants story doesn't add up.
Comedian shoplifts for a laugh.
Superman succumbs to fatigue.
Spiderman caught in web of intrigue.
Batman gets his wings clipped.
Florist names her daughter Daisy.
Police canvassing the neighbourhood for missing tent.
Rescued diver a nervous wreck.
Intoxicated man found with spiked hair.
Irresponsible chef gets a roasting.
Undertaker caught overtaking.
Annoyed singer ends contract on a bad note.
Rebellious skater treading on thin ice.
Meter maid runs out of time.
Sacked pilot flies into a rage.
Forklift driver discovers knife.
House painter given the brush-off.
Awakened aristocrat finds plum in his mouth.
Policeman cuffed by upset chimp.
Battered fisherman a salty seadog.
Dumped surgeon pretty cut up about it.
Plumbers earnings go down the drain.
Author of dictionary lost for words.
Mechanic puts spanner in the works.


Imagine the following headlines regarding creatures


Snail Treated For Exhaustion
Cheeky Polar Bear Treading On Thin Ice
Cheetah Seen Wearing Speedos
Light-fingered Chimp Behind Bars
Octopus Gets In A Tangle
Eel Slips Through Police Net
Wood Pigeon Bothered By Woodpecker
Wanted Mole Holed Up
Squirrel Goes Nuts
Wedged Elephant Rescued From Mini
Giraffe Grazed By Hang Glider
Magpie Nabbed For Stealing
Night Owl Suffering From Insomnia
Zebra Confused By Crossing
Sloth Found Hanging Around Neighbourhood
Badger Confined For Pestering
Centipede's Hip Replacement Too Costly
Kookaburra Tired Of Gum Tree
Monstrous Electric Eel Shocks Fishermen.
Cuckoo Appears So
Gorilla Goes Bananas
Crab Clams Up Over Missing Pearl
Woodchuck Misses Target
Water Buffalo Swallows Tap
Puffin Bird Not Fit To Race
Stork Delivers Wrong Baby
Cicada Defies Noise Control
Flea Bites Owner
Hippo Cracks Bathtub
Skunk Clears Restaurant
Wildebeest Found Bewildered
Pig Balks At Ham Sandwich
Vulture Tires Of Leftovers
Grizzly Bear Just An Old Grouch
Hedgehog Surprises Barefoot Joggers
Parrot Repeats Owner’s Indiscretion


Forget about a gaggle of geese, what about:


A clutter of teenagers.
A bunch of florists.
A pocket of tailors.
A puff of smokers.
A string of musicians.
A batch of bakers.
A clump of gardeners.
A sprinkling of priests.
A body of nudists.
A stream of fishermen.
A plot of undertakers.
A parcel of postmen.
A couch of psychologists.
A burden of politicians.
A pack of gamblers.
A trickle of plumbers.
A side of butchers.
A pile of dustmen.
A case of ventriloquists.
A clutch of bankers.
A snatch of thieves.
A range of hikers.
A stock of shopkeepers.
A mass of scientists.
A run of painters.
A mess of cleaners.
A jab of doctors.
A herd of hunters.
A flock of pastors.
A raft of sailors.
A measure of cooks.
A splash of swimmers.
A flash of electricians.
A field of farmers.
A patch of sewers
A sum of accountants.
A slice of surgeons.
A fist of boxers.
A grasp of masseurs.
A whirl of dancers.
A burst of comedians.
A perch of orators.
A track of cyclists.
A bulge of weightlifters.
A blanket of nurses.
A rack of dressmakers.
A flare of artists.
A chapter of authors.
A rush of paramedics.
A file of lawyers.
A bench of judges.
A dose of pharmacists.
A school of teachers.
A shoal of divers.
A chain of prisoners.
A nest of builders.
A stretch of athletes.
A trace of detectives.
A span of engineers.
A spree of criminals.
A collection of auctioneers.
A cluster of jewellers.


If you had known the occupation that your children would choose,
would you have named them accordingly?


Mechanic — Jack
Teacher — Mark, Dean
Policeman — Bobby, Marshall
Disc Jockey — Mike
Jeweller — Pearl
Cashier — Penny, Bob
Florist — Rose, Iris, Daisy, Poppy
Artist — Drew
Waitress — Dinah
Fitness Instructor — Jim, Skip
Gardener — Ivy, Doug
Road Worker — Miles
Weather forecaster — Gail, Dawn, Ray
Poet — Fraser
Detective — Casey
Bailiff — Harris
Car salesman — Lincoln, Rob
Chef — Stewart, Patty
Dog Handler — Rolf
Tattooist — Pierce
Farmer — Dale, Angus
Engineer — Bridget
Cook — Basil, Rosemary, Olive, Ginger
Gemmologist — Jade, Crystal, Ruby
Geologist — Pete, Clayton, Sandy, Shelly
Real Estate Agent — Homer
Musician — Blair, Melody
Chimney Sweep — Ash
Fix It Man — Andy
Forrester — Glen, Heath
Quarry Worker — Pitt
Banker — Ritchie
Demolition Man — Rick
Lawyer — Sue, Will
Hairdresser — Shawn, Nick
Actor — Oscar
Pastor — Christian, Neal
Cleaner — Lou, John, Dustin
Vet — Pat, Tom
TV Installer — Ariel
Builder — Mason, Brad
Painter — Art
Doctor — Lance
Judge — Laura, Grace, Frank
Writer — Dot
Dentist — Bill
Carpet Cleaner — Matt
Pest Exterminator — Anthony, Warren
Street Cleaner — Allie
Spy — Russell
Marriage Counsellor — Barney


With creatures in mind


Sheep:
It’s not always wise to follow the flock.
Don’t let anyone pull the wool over your eyes.
Mind those greener pastures.
Dogs:
Mind you’re not barking up the wrong tree.
Elephants:
Think before you order jumbo size.
It doesn’t pay to trumpet your successes.
Mice:
Watch out for traps.
Avoid the cheesy.
Pigs:
Best you keep your snout out of someone else's trough.
Goats:
It doesn't pay to be a silly-billy.
It’s not always wise to kid around.
Make sure of your ground before you lock horns with anyone.
Cows:
Mind no one is milking you.
Hippos:
It's never beneficial to wallow in self-pity.
Deer:
Best we do things right in the first place and not have need of hindsight.
Snakes:
Venom poisons those who harbour it.
And as for
Birds:
It isn’t wise to squawk too often.
It doesn’t pay to ruffle anyone’s feathers unnecessarily.
It doesn't pay to stick your beak in where it's not wanted.
Don’t get too carried away with preening yourself.
Mind what you do for a hoot.
Mind what you do lest it comes home to roost.
It’s always wise to have a little nest egg.
Don't let worry gobble up your energy.


Given that so many people eat creatures,
it's no wonder that folk are:


As grizzly as a bear;
As stubborn as a mule;
As blind as a bat;
As prickly as a porcupine;
As cold as a lizard;
As slippery as an eel;
As sly as a fox;
As hungry as a lion;
As clucky as a hen;
As proud as a peacock;
As curious as a cat;
As quiet as a mouse;
As crazy as a loon
 — and that they:
Act like sharks or vultures;
Rat on others;
Cry crocodile tears;
Are often too chicken to do things;
Act crabby, fishy or sheepishly;
Wolf their food down;
Make asses of themselves;
Monkey or horse around-cum-act the goat;
Badger others;
Hog things;
Take the lion’s share;
Rabbit on;
Parrot things;
Bark orders;
Snarl, roar, screech or crow;
And often duck for cover or pussyfoot around.


Given the love affair that so many people have with music,
it's no wonder that folk:


Blow their own trumpet;
Beat about the bush;
Fiddle around;
Drum up business;
Pluck up courage;
Jazz things up;
Change their tune;
Waltz in and out;
Get into a rhythm;
Whistle in the dark;
String others along;
Even the score;
Tip the scales;
Sell something for a song;
Jump on the bandwagon;
Are instrumental in orchestrating things;
And strike a cord or ring a bell.

 

Some silly questions


Are crows terrible braggers?
Are wart hogs a veterinarian’s nightmare?
Are wild boars in need of anger management?
Are cuckoos demented birds?
Are hermit frogs anti-social?
Are barn owls country squatters?
Are butterflies a meal time irritation?
Are emperor penguins considered royalty?
Are bald eagles worry warts?
Are ladybirds high-class bugs?
Is a scarlet macaw a promiscuous parrot?
Is a sword fish an ocean warrior?
Is a blue whale a depressed mammal?
Is a field mouse a gypsy rodent?
Is a muskrat a smelly mouse?
Is an ass a foolish donkey?
Is a mocking bird a discouraging distraction?
Is a cricket a sporting insect?
Is a kookaburra good for laughs?
Do polar bears give icy looks?
Do hummingbirds cause interference?
Do catfish like salmon?


T-Shirt signs for pregnant women:


Appearing Soon
Work in progress
"Just a cuddle," he said
There goes the holiday
Playmate
We're hungry
Things happen
Lucky last
We've been busy
We found the manual
Inner bootie
Hitchhiker
Fingers crossed
Yes, I would like that seat
Yes, I am pregnant
Yes, I am married
No, it's not twins
The TV's broken
When he said, "Baby", I thought he meant me.
Double trouble
Sister
Brother
Three to go
Goodbye quiet nights
Men!
He's paying
Practice run
Natural carrier
Finally!
I love baking
Four months to go and counting
He wriggles like his dad
One way to get a kick out of life
I hope the cat won't be upset
Have child will travel
Labour of love


An alien's introduction to Earth:


Avoid noisy, neon descents lest you encourage rubberneckers and tyre kickers.
Mind out for primitive remote controlled look-alikes.
Parking can be limited and expensive, thus country settings preferable.
Remember: Lock it or lose it.
Don protective clothing, and wash hands after returning to flying saucer. A period of quiet rest or mild sedation may be necessary.
Approach the human species with care.
Contain your mirth.
Attempts to help will prove problematic and your presence will no doubt appear alien to them.
A human disguise will prove helpful.
Mind the litter.
Avoid retaliation.
Various customs may shock, confuse, irritate or amuse.
Do not partake of any human substance designated as food or orally certified lest you incur the following:
1) Slurred speech.
2) Blurred vision.
3) Disorientation and other physical malfunctions such as wind and irregular bowl motions.
4) Mental aberrations and severe irritability.
5) A loss of stability.
Infrared cameras may be necessary where one encounters bouts of smog caused by human invention.
Avoid taking photos that may painfully remind.
Avoid those zones where humans are injuring each other.
Avoid taking samples due to contamination.
Severe electrical interference may occur at any time and volatile man-made weather patterns.


Muses


I love my little garden, it’s so full of pretty flowers,
And when the sun is shining, I oft work in it for hours.
I have a little visitor who likes to help as well,
But one who keeps digging little holes that I’m forced to fill.


Everyone's gone to the moon and I’m sitting here on my own feeling a right fool,
And trying to figure out how to work everything, (oh, I should’ve stayed at school),
Well, what’s left, I should say, given that everything is in a state of disrepair,
And why I can’t be bothered getting dressed, getting a shower or combing my hair.


I really mustn’t grumble, for although I took a little tumble,
I landed with my face in a delicious, scrumptious apple crumble.
So please pass the cream, for one should always make the best of a bad thing,
Hence why in-between mouthfuls, the merits of puddings I loudly sing.


We’ve visitors to our tree, (who come quite regularly),
And gobble at the berries ’till they get fat and heavy.
When they go to fly away, they descend before they rise,
Which just goes to show that overeating is far from wise.


What is a hedgehog doing trotting about during the day,
For hedgehogs usually come out when it’s night time, don’t they?
Lost your watch? Too tired to sleep? Confused? Extra hungry, maybe?
Well, I wouldn’t be long — there’s much more traffic about, you see.


What’s all the noise about, little sparrow? Enough’s enough!
You’ve been waking people up, leaving them grumpy and gruff.
Can’t you tone it down a bit? You are rather loud, you know,
And PLEASE — not in that oak tree that’s right outside our window.


There’s a fly in my soup, it either swimming or stuck,
And it’s still got its dirty old boots on — of all the luck!
It’s not as if it has showered and wiped itself down,
Hence why I'm very unhappy and sporting a frown.


There's been an assembly line malfunction!


Humans are missing certain accessories. For example:

A chimney for when they let off steam.
Vents for when they get hot under the collar.
Reversing lights for when they get their back up.
Sandpaper for when they cut up rough.
A parachute for when they fly into a rage.
Gumboots for when they put their foot in it.
Running shoes for when they cross the line.
Mirrors for when they stick their neck out.
A cork for when they blow their top.
A homing device for when they get carried away.
A troubleshooting manual for when they take leave of their senses.
A filter for their potent greenhouse emissions.


Zoos News


Turtle comes out of his shell.
Visitors get icy reception from penguins.
Beaver ignores chocolate Christmas log.
Annoying badger bothers staff.
Banana pinching Gorilla behind bars.
Panda creates pandemonium.
Alligator no smiling crocodile.
Bobcat ducks for cover.
Kola bear moved to Kuala Lumpur.
Platypus upsets visitors by constantly taking catnaps.
Billy goat the butt of a joke.
Zoo staff paid peanuts.
Zoo staff tired of howling wolf, grizzly bear, shrieking parrot, nitpicking monkey and lyrebird.
Zoo staff rattled by slippery snake scaling fence.
Zookeeper tired of folk getting on his goat.


What I love about myself!


No one’s identical to me.
I’m an engineering marvel, a scientific wonder, and a medical mystery.
I have a protective, stretchable, touch-sensitive layer;
A hi-tech electrical network:
An amazing 24/7 circulatory system;
A state-of-the-art radar;
An unsurpassable computer;
A highly tuned listening device;
An automatic mincer and grinder;
Various storage facilities;
A security camera with night vision and zooming mount;
A high-energy speaker with bass, treble, volume and mute controls;
Lifting and shifting gear;
Height adjustment and reclining positions;
GPS capabilities and memory selection;
Personal design features;
A specialized smell detector;
Fight or flight activators;
An impulse button;
Slow, fast, pause, stop, browse, snooze, tippy toe, jump, push or pull functions;
A temperature control unit;
A human production centre;
A purifying plant;
A tap;
and a biodegradable waste disposal unit that's a source of natural gas.


Proof that you're in love:


You’ve got a dazed look on your face.
You’re not listening to sound advice anymore.
Truth’s irrelevant.
You’re on the phone every five minutes.
You’re not watching where you’re going.
You’ve forgotten that you’ve got friends.
You’re defending what you weren’t.
You can’t remember where you’ve left things.
You’re up half the night and then some.
You’re not paying attention.
You’re always asking who rang.
You’re having panic attacks.
You think you’ve found the perfect one.
You’re spending far too much money.
You’ll worry about the cost later.
You’re skipping mealtimes.
You’re avoiding certain questions.
And you’ve got another sore throat.


More imaginary headlines


Lost Property Manager Loses It.
Electrician Sparks Row.
Woodchopper Axed From Show.
Actor Missing From Scene.
Panel Beater’s Hopes Dented.
Police Combing The Area For Missing Hairdresser.
Marriage Celebrant Weds.
Tennis Player Makes Net Gain.
Newsreader Makes The Headlines.
Van Driver Delivered A Blow.
Hunter Shoots Through.
Locksmith Keyed Up.
Pharmacist’s Bitter Pill.
Chess Player Top Of His Game.
Golfer Putting Along.
Priest Confesses To Mass Indiscretion.
Cross-dressing Priest Defrocked.
Nun Reveals Annoying Habit.
Reformed Burglar Steals The Show.
Weightlifter Held Up
Pest Controller Gets Flea In His Ear.
Balloonist Pops The Question.
Boxer Misplaces Ring.
Private Eye Goes Public.
Comedian Gets The Last Laugh.
Soprano Fined A Tenor.
Pole Vaulter Reaches New Heights.
Arborist Branches Out.
Astronomer Becomes A Star.
Band Leader Brassed Off
Medium In The Dark.
Psychic Vague About Past.
Astronaut Mars His Record.
Dog Trainer In The Doghouse.
Pilot’s Health Nosedives.
Author Loses The Plot.
Hit Man Bites The Bullet.
Boiler Stokers Fired Up.
Artist’s Details Sketchy.
Officer In Charge Charged.
Masseur Relaxed About Relationship.
Prince Pays Princely Sum.
Spy Spies Spy Spying.
Magician Disappears.
Prankster’s Behaviour A Joke.
Nanny Rocks Township.
Teacher Taught Lesson.
Spiderman Caught In Web Of Intrigue.
Superman Attends Super Bowl.
Wonder Woman Winched To Safety.
Batman Wings It.
Cabinet Maker Unhinged.
Witchdoctor Sent Away For A Spell.
Cole Merchant’s Name Blackened.


A head scratcher


“Hi, it’s Me here.”
“It can’t be, because I’m Me.”
“No, you’re You. It’s Me who’s Me.”
“No, no, no. How can I be You when I’m Me?”
“You’re not Me, You’re You!”
"Look, I’m hardly You, so therefore, I can only be Me.”
"Well, you’re certainly You to Me.”
“And you’re You to Me.”
“Okay, if all you’re going to do is argue, I will ring off.”
I’m I.”
"No, I'm I."
"How can You possibly be when I'm I?"
"Oh no, there You go again."
"As I said before, I'm Me, not You."
"Bye."


Even more imaginary headlines


Police grill man over stolen barbeque.
Postman pinched by unhinged letterbox.
Drummer beats hasty retreat.
Chicken farmer plucked to safety.
Night owl caught moonlighting.
Pilot in a spin.
Stressed skier snowed under.
Chiropractor snaps.


As for this page-cum-nonsense? Yes, it's all my own work, so you can blame
me.